What Have We Been Up To?

Hey internet. It’s been awhile since we’ve last blogged and we don’t really have an excuse. But we have been doing things! Several things, in fact. Sometimes we do those things concurrently. Like eating Pirate Booty AND typing at the same time. It’s harder than you might think. You get a lot of crumbs on the keyboard if you’re not careful. #talent 

Here are some of the things we’ve been doing because the twelve people who read this are DYING TO KNOW! Or they’re just mildly curious.

Writing things

This blog is probably a bad example of it, but we’ve actually been writing a TON. We pretty much write every day. Since we’ve started this unemployment stint in July, we’ve taken maybe 5 days off from writing. We’re at each others’ houses every day just plugging away. This leads me to the next item…

Learning way too much about each other

There are no boundaries now. We start sentences with “this is probably an overshare” but we don’t really mean it. They’re empty words, like “don’t change who you are.” No one really means that. There’s something wrong with everyone, even Jesus. He smote a tree because it didn’t have figs on it. That was a bit of an overkill, amirite? Anyway, having spent sooo much time together, we now have an intimate knowledge of each others’ bathroom habits, bodily functions, snack choices, thoughts on makeup, awkward sexcapades, family disputes, deep seated emotional scars, and lotion preferences. It’s fun for us (we’ve almost perfected our Vulcan mind meld) but weird for our significant others.

Jesus smiting a tree

Learning about ourselves

Kristine: I’ve learned that I’m inherently a shorts person. If there was a way to wear jean shorts to the office and still look professional, I would totally do it. I tried classing it up by pairing jean shorts with a blazer, but I ended up looking confused as to what weather we’re having. I’ve also learned that I’m getting old because food is starting to affect me. Like, I have to watch my protein levels or I get lightheaded. And I can’t eat Frosted Flakes anymore because they’re too sweet! As the self-proclaimed VP of desserts and deliciousness, I never thought the day would come that something was too sweet for me. Getting old sucks. Luckily I’m not so far gone that I have to eat a lot of fiber or Activia, but that day might come sooner than I thought...

Jamie Lee Curtis for Activia!

Joanna: I’ve learned that I can not for the life of me do “plank” for a full minute. Also that my work out shorts were see-through.  That one was embarrassing.  Not so much on the day I learned it (only Kristine and Tony were around) but when I thought back on the past five years of wearing them in public. Giant Whoops. Oooh, I also learned that I am a big fan of heating pads. They really are hot little miracles for your body. Also I’ve learned that the more tired I am, the more unaware of spacial relationships I become.  I mean, I’ve always been clumsy. I always have bruises that I don’t know how I got.   So using this time of unemployment,  I’ve really tried to be aware of myself.   The other morning I was exhausted and getting Lilly ready for school and I walked into a filing cabinet, only to round the corner and miss the doorknob on the bathroom door, smacking my face against it. I thought, remember this moment so when your shoulder is bruised and so is your head you know why.  I don’t know what this knowledge does for me exactly.  But now I have it. I’ll figure out a use for it. Like a flower vase that someone gives you for your birthday.

Taking a UCB improv class

We took Improv 101 and it kicked our butts. But then we “yes and’ed” the hell out of that butt kicking and made it into a sketch. We learned a lot, embarrassed ourselves a ton, and sweated buckets. Joanna even had nervous farts the day of our graduation show and told that to the class, which was an indication of how nervous she was.  So as we’re sure you’ve guessed, we’re totally signing up for level 2!  We strongly recommend the classes! They’re a great way to meet new people who are like 10 years younger than you.  Honestly we think the median age might have been 22. Way to go funny young people. Shout out to Pam Murphy’s 101 Improv class!  We heart you guys!

Started doing Bar Method DVD workouts

Now truth be told, Kristine already has a pretty rockin’ body, so she agreed to pity workout with Joanna who was/is still pretty doughy.  We started doing the workouts about 2 weeks ago. We know we were gonna take parkour classes and we didn’t make good on that- but the truth is we were too lazy to drive that far away.  Sooo parkour - start classes in our area!   Back to the workouts,  Joanna is experiencing pain in new and unimagined ways, but she has managed to achieve the burgeoning of a bicep and a small line across the top of her abs indicating there is muscle under all that flab.  She’s very happy about that.  So thanks, Burr and Joey.  You know what you’ve done.  Joanna is starting to “look great in her blue jeans”.

Going on meetings

This is a very vague statement because it has to be and they are. Sometimes we meet with people for a reason, but most of the time we have “generals.” That’s just a fancy way of saying no one knows what that means. Usually it’s just us talking about ourselves and trying to get whoever we’re meeting with to laugh and follow us on Twitter. Sometimes we go on tangents and talk about Jem or superpowers for awhile. Sometimes it’s super awkward and we just stare at each other for 30 minutes. Just kidding. That hasn’t happened. Everyone loves us because we smell good and bring cookies! Actual compliment we got: “You should bring them back more often. They smell like fall.”

Eating, like, a barrel of Pirate Booty

Seriously, why is it so good? And they make it so fluffy that it doesn’t feel like you’re eating anything. It's like eating a cloud that's dusted in white cheddar and has the occasional hard corn piece.

Irrational Fears

I have a theory that writers can be cripplingly imaginative, which is a nice way of saying batshit crazy. We’re constantly thinking in hypotheticals and our minds jump from step 1 to step 20 in a matter of seconds. You know how when a kid is telling you about their day and you zone out in the middle of it and suddenly they’re talking about something completely different? That’s my mind all the time. It can be a good thing when it comes to writing, but a bad thing when it comes to life. For example, I’ve developed some irrational fears.

Kristine:

Skills I would need in case of a zombie apocalypse

I hated running for the longest time, but about a year ago I started doing it again and I SUCKED at it. I could barely run a block without feeling like I was having an asthma attack. Naturally, the first thing that went through my mind was “I would be screwed in the event of a zombie apocalypse.” Now, I know that zombies run at different speeds (depending on the movie) but that doesn’t change the fact that they’re persistent as hell. (Side note: it would be nice to not have the brain capacity to give up.) Luckily my running stamina has increased since then, but there are other skills that the paranoid side of me thinks I should learn. These skills include, but aren’t limited to: knife throwing, gun shooting, head decapitating (don’t know how I’d practice that), Chun Li-style speed kicking (nerds know what I’m talking about), opening a Swiss Army knife without breaking a nail, horse taming and subsequently riding.

Great. More skills I should probably learn.

Randomly being impaled in the eye

Any time I see a lone pointy object, I imagine it impaling me in the eye. Specifically a single, stand-alone pointy object and specifically the eye. It’s not that I don’t care about being impaled in any other body part; it’s just that the fear is greater because the eye is a very delicate spot on your body that leads directly to the brain so the impact would be crazy detrimental. I don’t know about you, but it seems like a design flaw on God’s part to do it that way. (I’d write an angry letter to Him but I think His inbox is full from, like, complaints about political upheaval and mom groups.) So anytime I see a wooden stake, a piece of lumber on a truck, or a unicorn, I avert my eyes. Which sucks in the sense that a unicorn would be a wondrous thing to be able to look at.

Having to explain something serious to a kid

I’m not good at dealing with serious things without cracking a joke. Close friends and loved ones know this about me and accept the fact that I’m going to giggle at least once during Les Miserables. My fear is having to have a serious moment with a kid who’s too young to understand humor or the situation is so serious that it’s inappropriate. I can’t couch things in jokes! I can’t be awkward on purpose to lighten the mood! I’ll have to just say a bunch of things that are true! THIS FREAKS ME OUT!

We can't all be cool like you, Lorelai Gilmore!

Secretly being watched

Sometimes a stranger looks at me like the recognize me and my mind immediately jumps to "What if there's a camera in my house and I'm actually on some sort of web show I don't know about?! How embarrassing, but also entertaining I hope?" The more logical explanation is that just look like someone they know (very possible. I'm Asian, after all), but that doesn't stop me from thinking about the web show thing. Another theory that's crossed my mind is that am or just happen to look like The Chosen One for some sort of prophecy for a cult or Scientologists.

Running out of creative juices

I mean, what if there’s a fixed amount of creativity in the world and we hit a cap? Or, more logically - I believe that part of being creative means being unexpected and innovative. So... what if we hit a point where we’ve done everything? Shouldn’t there be some sort of emergency creativity reserve for this kind of thing? What will I do for a living? I won’t survive! The courtesy chuckles of strangers fuels me!

Sooo...this is a thing that exists. Future party favor?

Joanna says:

Well I didn’t want Kristine to be alone in such a vulnerable place, I mean, telling the world how to scare the shit out of you is probably pretty insane.  And yet here we are.  So deep breath and here goes.

Sharks

Death by shark is my greatest fear in life. Everything about them terrifies me.  They actually evolved into highly efficient killing machines.  They don’t sleep, they’re always moving forward, they’re lightning fast, they have ROWS of teeth and have no problems growing new ones.  Do you know how many drunken fools wish they had that ability?  Or kids that got beaned in the tooth with a stackin’ jack by their two year old cousin? (Shout out to you little brother!)  But probably the most upsetting thing about sharks is -  they don’t actually want to eat us.  Soooo once they bite you - enough for you to die slowly and painfully from blood loss or limb loss - they’re like meh, this is one gross ass seal. I’ll find a tastier one.  And leave you to bleed out and drown.  They’re like serial killers who get bored with murder.

Tsunami

Second greatest fear in life. Not because I’m afraid of drowning (although I am scared of that too) but because a Tsunami brings a shark right to your front door.  Ding dong! Who’s there? SHARK ATTACK TO THE FACE!  No thank you.

Horror Movies

This one includes but is not limited to movies about: ghosts, spirits, undead, cannibals, any sort of possession, demons, monsters, definitely torture porn, and of course Satan himself.  I am a gigantic baby. Like huge.  I once couldn’t sleep for two weeks straight after watching Sin City because I kept imagining little Elijah Wood looking at me with his cold, unfeeling sunglass eyes, thinking hungry thoughts. {Silver Lining:  My husband who was my boyfriend at the time, not only tried to stay awake with me so I wasn’t scared, (FOR TWO WEEKS)  he also didn’t break up with me!   So at that point I was pretty sure it was love.}

Needing to drive stick shift in a life or death situation

Ok I’m gonna take you on this ride with me: The big one hits California.  Half of LA is buried in rubble and the other half is now on a giant peak like hundreds of feet above sea level.  Not only is the city in chaos and ruin, but when the earth broke apart -  a toxic gas was exhaled from the earth’s mantle. It infected most of the surviving population’s mind and now  they’re raving lunatics who confuse people with Carl’s Jr.  There I am, alone in the rubble, when five or six big-ish guys who really want to pay six bucks for a stupid burger spot me and they’re like “Hey, there’s a Carl’s Jr. - let’s eat!”  They give chase- but ya know, this isn’t their first burger and their tickers aren’t what they used to be.  If I wasn’t asthmatic, I’d probably be able to outrun them no problem. But I am and I can’t.  So what to do?  Glory be- I see a car shining in the distance.  I run as fast as my untoned legs will take me, hop in the car and find a key in the ignition!  Amazing! I turn it and then realize “OH NO. IT’S STICK SHIFT.” I’m not going anywhere and I’m about to be finished like a medium fries after a giant burger.  It’s curtains for me.

Lilly will realize how uncool I am/Lilly won’t realize how uncool I am:

I don’t want her to ever be embarrassed of me (By me- sure- not of me) but I also don’t want her to be the girl from Saturday Night Live either. No matter how you slice it, there’s gonna be a day when Lilly’s gonna go her own way and think what I do is as silly as I think some of the stuff my mom did is. So what to do? Nothing.  Solid insight me.

Earthquake Preparedness: A True Story

Earlier this year the studio made us go to a mandatory emergency earthquake preparedness seminar. Naturally we were all like “uuuugggh, we have to stop sitting around in our office doing nothing and go all the way to the gym so we can sit around and do nothing? What is this life?!” We hemmed and hawed and shuffled off to the gym, where we proceeded to watch the most TERRIFYING VIDEO OF OUR LIVES. It basically told us that California is way overdue for a big earthquake because some hot shot tectonic plates are like SCREW YOU CALIFORNIA. WE’RE GONNA SHIFT SOME DAY AND THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT. WELL, THERE IS ONE THING YOU CAN DO: PREPAREDNESS.

Disclaimer: Watching this video might make you paranoid like us. Maybe read the rest of this entry before deciding whether or not you want that to happen.

The seminar went on to tell us about all the things we should have on hand in case of an earthquake: first aid kits, flashlights, wind up radios, matches, those weird foil emergency blankets, etc. They gave us helpful pamphlets and told us where we could buy pre-made Red Cross emergency packs for $39. Joanna, Whitney, and I promptly ignored these helpful tips and ventured off to Target to make more customized emergency packs for 2x the price.

Here are some things that are in our emergency packs:

First aid kits

Flashlights

Wind up radios/iPhone chargers

Matches

Luna bars

Diapers (for Lilly. And emergencies.)

Condoms (what else are you going to do?)

Alcohol (again, what else are you going to do?)

Zip ties (for apprehending hostiles)

A stylish-yet-functional doomsday outfit

As you can see from the inclusion of zip ties, our overactive minds jumped from earthquake preparedness to end-of-the-world doomsday preparedness. As a general note, I highly suggest everyone make their own emergency preparedness kit. Not only will you be prepared for an emergency (as the name implies), but it’s also interesting to see all the thoughts that go through your mind in regards to preparedness. You find yourself pondering the important things in life: Do I really need face wash and body wash or will bar soap work on both fronts? Do I really need a toothbrush when putting toothpaste on my finger works just as well? Will bras matter anymore? Do I know how to forage for food or fillet a fish? Should I learn that soon? All these thoughts and more race through your head when you’re doomsday prepping.

This is how to fillet a fish. (singing) The more you knowww!

I actually put a lot of thought into my doomsday outfit. I figured I’d want to be comfortable and warm, but not something that isn’t too heavy in case I have to run for a long time or traverse through the treacherous wasteland that used to be Earth. And I didn’t want to pack crappy clothes because what if this is all I get for forever? It may be the end of the world but that doesn’t mean I have to look terrible. I mean, Emma Stone had a great doomsday outfit in Zombieland. That leather jacket might be a nuisance on hot days but man does it look badass when you’re kicking zombie butt.

It's stylish, yet functional. Cute, but not so cute that a zombie gut stain is the end of the world. 

Anyway, long story short I decided on a loose pair of skinny jeans, a tank top, and a plaid shirt. And leggings in case it’s super cold.

Here are some things I’d put in my emergency pack had I thought about it/if I had more room:

The dictionary (there are so many words I don’t know. If I’m gonna have a lot of free time on my hands I might as well learn something)

Lots of paper and pens (assuming we won’t have technology, these will probably be like currency come doomsday. Where else are you going to write down the screenplay you’re writing about this tragedy as it happens?)

Spam

A really good pair of insoles (if you’re walking around in the same pair of shoes for the rest of your life, you’re gonna need some arch support)

A bow and arrow (it just seems appropriate)

Febreeze

A book that somehow teaches you self defense. Probably a good thing to learn. Also, I’m assuming such a book exists.

Found this gem on Amazon...could be handy in the event of the end of the world. How did this start again? Earthquakes? Yeah, we're way past that.

Things that never happened: Pretty Little Liars edition

One of the things we do a lot is imagine elaborate backstories for things that never happened. For example, one day Joanna and Whitney almost got run over by two teenage girls in a Burbank parking lot and proceeded to imagine a hilarious 20 minute conversation between those girls whom they hypothetically (and appropriately) named Jenna and Brie. “Ohmigod, Jenna, you totally almost ran over those girls in your mom’s Yukon.” “Shut up, Brie! It didn’t happen, did it?” “No wonder you mom doesn’t let you borrow the Yukon often.” “Whatever, Brie. Shut your mouth hole.”So a couple of days ago I was using the Netflix account on my AppleTV to watch “Pretty Little Liars.” I was a couple of episodes in when I realized I wasn’t signed into our Netflix account - it was some random person’s. I asked Chris if he knew who it was but he was just as confused as I was so I assume it was some weird glitch in the AppleTV system? I switched the account back to mine but the person who was accidentally signed in will still have “Pretty Little Liars” pop up under their “Recently Watched” stuff. I won’t post the email address, but let’s just say this person was definitely a guy and he mostly had dramas and guy shows in his queue, so “Pretty Little Liars” would stick out like a sore thumb. 

These girls are so good at walk/posing!

I started to imagine how this person would react upon finding “Pretty Little Liars” in their history, and this is what I came up with:

A guy (let’s call him Tad) is about to watch Sons of Anarchy or something with his girlfriend (let’s call her Rhonda) on Netflix when PLL shows up.

Rhonda: Tad, did you watch Pretty Little Liars?

Tad: No. Did you?

Rhonda: No. You know I can’t stand that teenybopper stuff. It’s like, how old are we? 23? No. We’re 31 and 32.

Tad: I know how old we are. You don’t have to state the obvious.

Rhonda: Apparently I do because Pretty Little Liars is right there under “Recently Watched”. So either you watched it recently or... <GASP> Are you cheating on me?

Tad: No!

Rhonda: You are! You’re cheating on me with someone who watches Pretty Little Liars! Who is it? Is it Camille? She’s all into that Disney shit. Ugh, I can’t stand that girl. She thinks she’s so cool because she can talk to 8 year olds without talking down to them. Who lists that as a skill?

Tad: Babe, I swear, there’s nothing going on with me and Camille. I took her out for coffee once, but that was because I almost ran over her foot with my car. Thank goodness she wears shoes that are 2 sizes too big.

Rhonda: Is it Anita? She loves all that CW stuff. She’s been telling me to watch Vampire Diaries for years - she’s totally the type to watch Pretty Little Liars.

Tad: I’m telling you, I’m not cheating on you! Besides, Pretty Little Liars is on ABC Family.

Rhonda: So you DO watch it!

Tad: No! I can’t even stand Lucy Hale. She reminds me too much of Katie Holmes but younger and less robot-like.

Rhonda: Ohmigod, you totally watch it. You know who Lucy Hale is.

Tad: What? She’s a celebrity. Doesn’t everyone knows who she is?

Rhonda: NO ONE KNOWS WHO SHE IS. SHE’S ONLY BEEN IN, LIKE, SCREAM 4 AND TINKERBELL: SECRET OF THE WINGS.

Tad: ...Wait. How did you know all that?

(awkward silence)

Rhonda: Okay, fine. I’ve seen an episode or six of Pretty Little Liars.

Tad: Ha!

Rhonda: But I didn’t watch them on your Netflix account!

Tad: Neither did I! Look, can we just forget about this? Please? You owe me. There was that one time you didn’t put in for tip at that big group dinner and I didn’t say anything.

Rhonda: It was either that or hold everyone up with my credit card bill! How was I supposed to know everyone else had cash on them? Seriously - fifteen people and everyone had cash. When has that ever happened?

Tad: Babe, just let it go. I really want to get past this, open a fresh bag of Pirate Booty, and watch Sons of Anarchy with you.

Rhonda: Fine.

(They settle in and start watching Sons of Anarchy whilst munching on Pirate Booty.)

Tad: So who do you think A is? I think--

Rhonda: DON’T SPOIL IT FOR ME! I’M ONLY ON SEASON 2!

PONDERINGS: ANIMAL ASSOCIATIONS I DON'T UNDERSTAND

So like I do, I think odd thoughts in the car. Oh, who am I kidding? I think odd thoughts everywhere. But this particular stream of thought happened in the car.  So here goes: Why do certain animals get associated with certain attributes? It seems rather arbitrary.  Allow me to elaborate: 

A Lucky Duck- What on earth makes a duck lucky? I personally have never met a duck that inspired me to think: “man I wish I could switch places with that duck.” Nor have I ever - in a time of extreme bad fortune - thought: “If only I was a duck! That’d get me out of this jam!”  or even “I could some duck luck right about now.”   So why?

A Silly Goose -  Now I have had thoughts about geese.  Mostly that they’re kinda A-holes. They honk horribly- they poop everywhere - you can’t get near a pond if geese live there with out stepping in goose scat. And they chase and bite you if you get too close to the pond. Honestly, they’re borderline socio-paths. But silly? No.

A Dumb Dog - Now I know - dogs aren’t solving world hunger - but dumb compared to what?  Other animals? People?  All I'm saying is they’re not  following us around with little baggies and picking up our poop. So who’s dumber than who? Really? 

A Clever Cat- well this is derivative of my last argument but ya know, me and 90% of the internet savvy population have seen cats get stuck in boxes on purpose.  Not super clever.

A Dirty Bird - are birds particularly dirty among their animal compatriots? I mean to me animals in general seem pretty gross-lots of butt licking, peeing on stuff and pooping wherever they damn well feel like it.  But in fairness,  upon close inspection- so do most humans -especially the little ones - they are cesspools of dirt, germs and boogers. 

 
A  chicken- a chicken is literally  a euphemism for being scared! Why?  Are they notoriously afraid of everything?  I can admit I don’t spend nearly enough slash hardly any time around chickens. Maybe they are giant wussies, but the ones in the petting zoo my daughter attends on Saturdays don’t seem to be scared of anything!  And I mean, that guy looks like he's literally giving the camera the Bobby DiNero "You lookin at me?!"

My personal favorite and the reason these thoughts popped into my head in the first place:  Why oh why  is a tiger associated with Karate? Is there a Tiger Sensei that I am unaware of that has been wow-ing students and karate enthusiasts for years with his kick -ass karate moves? Was the first use of karate a man vs. tiger fight?

I don’t know. But this is my thought of the day. And now it’s here for you to enjoy and perhaps ponder weird animal associations of your own. I am sure there are thousands! 

This = Good

Here’s the first entry an ongoing segment I’m calling “This = Good”. It’s basically a list of stuff I like. I admit it’s not a very creative title but if I called it “Good Things” Martha Stewart would come at me with a hand-crocheted subpoena. And if I called it “Aerial Dragon Sex” it’d be very misleading.

White Girl Problems by Babe Walker

Have you ever wanted insight into the mind of a narcissistic asshole? I have! (I say, indicating that I’m not a narcissistic asshole myself.) This hilarious faux bio is told from the POV of a fictional character named Babe Walker, a rich entitled twentysomething who bitches over the kale-to-agave-ratio in her 100 calorie breakfast smoothie. Word on the street is that Elizabeth Banks’ production company bought the rights to possibly turn it into a movie, which would be amazing if the right bitch was cast. Some of my favorite quotes include:

“Honestly, Genevieve, I can’t go in any vintage stores, because I just had a facial yesterday, and the floating particles of cocaine residue will tarnish my shine.” - Babe’s excuse to not go shopping with her BFF

“How the F am I going to be an actress if you and Dad force me to go to college? The best actresses are rebels who didn’t go to school and were too poor to eat.”

“You’d have to be a real dick to blow off an invite to an intervention, but I won’t say I’ve never done it. I mean, my cousin was addicted to gum. Not my issue.”

Upon finding a new friend at art school: “I knew from the second I saw her that she would be the perfect weird art friend, and she’d make me look super tall and thin in pictures, so a strong bond was born.”

“My eyebrows tell you that I’m listening to you, but I’m not like, crazy into what you’re saying. Or, wait. Maybe they say that I’m not listening to you, but I’m thinking about something important that you should probably want to know. I can’t remember, but it’s one of those.”

An end-of-date convo: “I had a lot of fun, Babe. I feel like we were, like, connecting and shit.” Babe: “Totally connecting. It was amazing, and our hair looked so good. Your car is the perfect height off the ground for the wind’s trajectory to create a healthy and natural blowout. I feel so lucky to have you in my life. Is that psycho?”

Nutella stuffed cookies

Guys, there are so many wonderful things being done with cookies these days. I feel like we’ve made so many advancements in cookieology - brown butter cookies, cookies stuffed with other cookies, unicorn poop cookies... I’m like, really proud of society on the cookie front. And when I saw this recipe for Nutella stuffed cookies via Cooking Classy, my stomach squealed in excitement.

The genius thing about this recipe is the technique you use to get the Nutella inside the cookie. Nutella is too soft to put inside a cookie without too much hassle but some genius figured out you can freeze dollops of Nutella, then wrap the cookie dough around it before baking. AMAZING! The result is a delicious chocolate cookie with a burst of nutty goo in every bite. You’re welcome.

Backseat Lover by Mayer Hawthorne

This is just a fun summer song to have in your arsenal. I can’t listen to this song without doing some hip thrusts, which is awkward when it pops up during my neighborhood jog. And it’s about secret affairs! Who doesn’t want to jam out to that? Priests, probably. What?