Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Soooo, like Kristine said -  it's been a while since we've blogged. Not because we haven't had thoughts,  because we have. I mean we're basically Plato ....  if Plato wasn't profound in any way. 
What was I writing about?  I got distracted by finding this boss picture of Plato.  He had a wonky nose, no? Or is that just a bad day for the sculptor? Or just time eroding his stony nose parts?  Hmmmm.  Well. Much like getting to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop, the world may never know.  Well they probably do, but I don't so... Why haven't we been writing on our blog?  Simple answer.  We've been losing our f-ing minds.  And we've been busy. Like crazy busy.    But here are some of tangential things that we've learned over the last six months that I thought we'd share with you.

Termite Farts are majorly responsible for Global Warming.  Whaaaatttt?  It's true. Google that shit.  They are the second largest contributor to methane emissions.  Crazy right? I wish my farts could be that epic.  Nope. I immediately take that back. Everyone would be so mad at me, I'd end up in jail or not allowed to eat any of the foods that make me happy.  Sooo I'm good with my non- epic farts.

GLUTEN isn't our friend. Guys, this was a sad sad day in our lives.  If you know us at all,  you know how much Kristine loves baking a ton and I love eating a ton.  So avoiding gluten has been pretty sad.  No more of this stuff for us. Soft weeping sounds.


Next up:
There are at least forty five sexual positions we didn't know about before having to research them. Yep.  That was part of our job. We got paid to do that.  Just let that marinate for a little while.  I was gonna post a picture of this one but then decided I don't know what the blogger policy on computer animated sex positions was.  But if you get the chance look up the "Sultry Saddle" I just like saying it. It's funny.

We learned about testosterone injections.   Apparently if you over do it,  the testosterone  turns into estrogen in your body. Crazy right?  So you go from this:
to... this:
Who knew? I'm not sure which one is worse honestly.  Because it'd be awesome to be strong but a good cry is also so nice sometimes, ya know?  And lets be serious - neither look is especially attractive.

We also learned about the Bechdel test.  Which yes, we had no idea about.  We are lousy feminists.  But for all of you who are too - here you go.   These are the rules - IN A MOVIE  or a WORK OF FICTION -  ARE THERE...

??? If so, the movie passes if not - it fails.  You'd be surprised how many movies fail.  I know I was.   Like really surprised.

And yes we did learn  that Ghosts apparently sweat the Hoff.   But look at him.  How could they not? I get it Building 131 Ghost,  I really do....

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

We're back!

As you can see from the six month gap in entries, we’ve been MIA for a while.  I know what you’re thinking: did we got knocked up and go into hiding until the shame baby came out?  Answer: no.  That would be a terrible thing to do, both because babies are a gift and hiding is hard.  We’ve just been working our butts off on season 3 of Sullivan & Son and our Amazon pilot.  But now that we’re done we can finally come up for air and do all the things we kept telling ourselves we’d do when we had the time, like update this blog, watch Scandal, and shower regularly!

The past six months have probably changed our lives forever.  We'll always have part of this experience nestled deep within creative DNA of our hearts...and our souls. Naturally, we’re going to do justice to that change by writing 4 brief paragraphs about the things we’ve learned.

1. People are awesome.

We had the pleasure of working with some of the funniest, most talented group of writers you’ll ever meet, and here’s the kicker--all of them were NICE.  Unbelievably nice.  There were probably as many fart jokes as there were offers to get anyone something from the kitchen.  That probably doesn’t sound like much, but when you think about how many fart jokes are pitched and how often talented people are jerks, it’s really saying something.  When we go on meetings and tell people that everyone in the room got along, they raise their eyebrows in surprise and tell us how lucky we are.  To which we reply: “We’re not lucky, we sacrifice three virgins to the goddess Tyche under the gibbous moon in exchange for tidings of good fortune and a discount at Zales.” #justkiddingwe’resuperlucky

2. Craft services is dangerous.

Seriously, we’ve gained so much weight from being on this show.  I’d like to say it was worth it for the laughs but I’d also like to put on my pants without help from a shoe horn.  The craft services table was perpetually stocked with brownie trays, Porto’s cheese rolls, and an untouched cinnamon bundt cake.  There was a separate room that had an espresso machine, an ice cream freezer, and gumball machines that didn’t take money.  One day we were on stage in the morning and they had three trays of bacon.  DIFFERENT TYPES OF BACON.  Another time they had shrimp cocktail on a clamshell ice sculpture.  It was like something out of a fancy banquet in The Little Mermaid.  But not, because Ariel probably wouldn’t want to eat her friends off of something that looks like her bra made of ice.

3. The Warner Bros lot is a magical place.

You can be on a posh NYC brownstone one minute and a sketchy looking alley the next.  One day we were almost run over by Clint Eastwood driving a golf cart and it was a memorable day because that happened PLUS I got Jamba Juice!  There’s a room full of Batmobiles, a room of Dementors, a Starbucks AND a Coffee Bean.  One night we were working late and we heard a huge explosion.  We all rushed outside and saw a cloud of smoke.  For a brief moment we debated driving over to see if anyone needed our help.  Then we were like “duh, we’re on a lot, it’s probably Michael Bay blowing up a church for some reason.”  And it turned out to be true, except it was Pretty Little Liars blowing up a church for some reason.

4. Ghosts are weird.

For a long time, we kept hearing this story about how the building we were working in was haunted because a writer committed suicide in it.  No one had that many details on it; they just heard from a friend of a friend that that happened and it was this building.  So naturally, we brushed it off as a sad attempt to scare writers off of the show to make room for someone’s brother-in-law’s car wash guy who could really use a break.  But I did hear some strange noises and there were definitely some creepy vibes in the hallway, but that could be because there were no lights in there except for the red exit sign and it looked like something out of Total Recall.  One night, Joanna and I were working late, we went to our boss’s office to ask him a question, and came back to our office ten minutes later.  Joanna: “Um, were you using my laptop?” Me: “No. Why?” Joanna: “Because the wikipedia page for David Hasselhoff is up.  And I did not look him up.”  WHAAA?!  Conclusion: there is indeed a ghost haunting building #131 on the Warner lot, and he’s a big fan of David Hasselhoff.  

Friday, February 14, 2014

Bad Romance

Valentine’s day is coming up and with it comes all kinds of quote/unquote “romantic” propaganda. I can’t turn on the TV without seeing ads for things like flowers, flower shaped fruits, heart shaped chocolates, and Christian shaped soulmates. Call me a pessimist, but I don’t see how any of that stuff equates romance. Maybe it’s because I’m dead inside. Or maybe it’s just that defying expectations brings me joy. It’s right up there with warm blankets from the dryer and watching babies deal with a piece of tape for the first time.


I’ve never been a big fan of the beach. It’s smelly, it’s hard to park, the ocean air leaves a film on your skin, and you’ll be haunted by sand granules for days. It’s just a big hassle. Sure you can have a lovely view of the sunset...but so what? It’s not like you can look directly into it.

Actual cheesy picture my boyfriend and I took at the beach. Because we're cool.


I might be in the minority here, but I don’t see the big appeal of jewelry. It’s just so expensive for so little return. When I find out how much jewelry costs, all I can think about is how many cookies I can buy for that much money. The exception, of course, is Swarovski crystals.


Okay, don’t get me wrong - I understand liking chocolate as a concept. I don’t understand how it’s romantic. It’s messy, it has an uncanny resemblance to crap, and it’s likely to fall down your shirt and melt onto your body. (Sounds like it could be kinky, but in reality it’s just uncomfortable.)


Movies seem to be a typical “date night” trope. But do they still keep that appeal after high school? I get that when you’re young and cheap it’s a good excuse to be alone in the dark with someone, but there are plenty of other ways to do this when you’re older. If the thought is that seeing people make out on screen will inspire you to make out in real life, then by that logic you can get the same result by watching the CW for five minutes.


Up-do’s with, like, tendrils and braids

Go ahead and Google "romantic updos". This is the kind of stuff that comes up? Why does this hairstyle scream “romantic girl”? Who wants hair dangling in front of their eyes? It’s really annoying in real life. I imagine. I don’t have the patience to arrange my hair this way.

Sunday, February 9, 2014

We have jobs!

That was the brief pause I took just now to do a celebratory dance. It looked a little bit like this:

Joanna and I are the newest staff writers for Sullivan and Son on TBS. We’ve been employed for two whole weeks now and we couldn’t be more excited. I’m sure we’ll have tons of stories to tell, ¼ of which will be okay to share with you.

When we first got the job offer, a litany of thoughts went through my mind:

Thought #1: Sweet! I have a job!

No longer will I have to come up with new and creative ways to say “I’m unemployed.” (Past euphemisms include “We’re doing our own thing”, “We’re freelancing”, and “We’re waiting to hear back from Anthropologie.”) It’s like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. The burden of finding a job is gone...and replaced with the much heavier burden of doing well in said job and bringing honor to my family. Yaaaaay…?

It's a shame. We would have been great at making these intricate window displays
out of the repurposed notebooks we wrote all our bad ideas in.

Thought #2: Crap. I have to wear real pants.

Working from home has spoiled us in the waistband department. You don’t have to care what you look like when the only person you’re seeing all day has an intimate knowledge of what happens to your body when you eat kale. Lots of yoga pants, shorts, and outfits that can only be described as “panhandling chic” were worn over the past six months. So anything that’s not elastic feels like chain metal.

This was basically us... with 98% more style. BTW, this came up when
I Googled "yoga pants casual." It's a thing!

Thought #3: Sweet! I’ll have easy access to pie!

Working in an office means you get all kinds of free food (doubly so when you’re working in TV. Craft services is the devil in the form of a delightful charcuterie plate). Add that to the fact that we’re on the Warner Bros lot, which has a farmers market every other Wednesday where our friends at I Heart Pies sell their stuff. I’m not kidding when I say this is like the third thing that popped into my mind when I got this job. If you haven’t tasted the magic that is a Butterbeer Pie, you haven’t lived.

Thought #4: Crap. I have to filter my thoughts.

We’re so used to just being around each other that I’m pretty sure I’ve forgotten how to be around other people. You know, normal people. When left to our own devices, Joanna and I can get into some super weird tangents. And we delve into those super weird tangents until we’re like: “Is it bad that we’re talking about the decrepit living state of twentysomethings when we should be writing a My Little Pony script?” So now we have to stay focused and give our new co-workers the impression that we’re “normal”. At least in the beginning. We can only hold back for so long.

I couldn't think of an image to go with this so I Googled "weird" and this came up.

Thought #5: Meh. I’ll have money and that’s all that really matters.

I can buy all the experimental chips I want. #AmericanDream

Sunday, January 5, 2014

Observations from being on a cleanse

Sup guys. It’s 2014 and I’ve been eating a lot of fried things and seasonal candies, so I’m on a juice cleanse right now. The first day is always the best/worst - it feels like the worst but it makes for the best stories because I feel like my mind is only halfway here. Here are some of my halfway thoughts:

I’m kind of ADD right now

This is the 2nd blog entry I’ve started. I’m currently going back and forth between making notes on a script, writing blog entries, reading a book, reading articles on HelloGiggles, and getting things I’ve been meaning to buy on Amazon. If you were watching me right now, you’d see me look pensively into the distance every now and then. That’s me thinking about what the sixth thing should be.

This is my screen right now. A gazillion tabs open on my browser and two scripts open in the BG.

I’m also super ambitious

Maybe it’s because doing a cleanse seems like a big undertaking and so far I’m FUCKING DOING IT (it’s literally been 3 hours). Maybe it’s because it’s the New Year and the resolution bug has gotten to me. Whatever it is, I’m feeling super ambitious right now, but about weird things. I’ll come across an article that says such-and-such show was underrated and I’m like “Totally. I don’t know what that show is but I’m adding Season 1 to my Amazon cart right now.” Or I’ll remember one thing that happened to me over winter break and think “That could totally be a show. Yes. We’re writing it. We’ll have to take a trip to Texas to research this thing, but we can do it and write the pilot in a month. 2014!”

I literally feel like Chris Traeger right now.

I care but I don’t

When you tell people you’re on a cleanse, they either react with a forced “Good for you!” or an “Ew, why?” In the past, I’ve avoided talking about cleansing if I can because it seems so LA cliche and because I know it sucks and it’s hard to defend yourself when you aren’t gung-ho about what you’re defending. And maybe it’s because I’ve been getting a lot of grief about it and I’ve developed an immunity or maybe it’s because this juice is cutting off the self-conscious part of my brain, but right now I’m like LET ME LIVE MY LIFE. IT’S ONLY THREE DAYS AND YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE TO DEAL WITH ME. ALSO THIS JUICE TASTES GOOD AND I’M GETTING SHIT DONE!

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna drink more juice and like, write a novel or something.