Monday, December 23, 2013

The Man Basket

Are you looking for a present for a man in your life? Do you know little about said man except for the fact that he’s a man and should therefore like manly things? Well, us ladywriters are here to help. In the form of...a MAN BASKET.

We wanted to get gift baskets for some of the lovely people in our life, including our agents and managers. We have an awesome team of people rallying for us, and we wanted to express our gratitude in the form of baked goods and thoughtful presents artfully wrapped in cellophane. But then we got to thinking...our agents are three dudes. And “gift basket” doesn’t exactly scream dude. SO WHY NOT MAKE A MAN BASKET??

We started thinking about all the things that--to us--scream MAN. And that quickly got out of hand (and out of budget because apparently pet wolves are not cheap) so we whittled it down to these manly essentials:

A gut hook and hatchet combo set

We initially started looking for cheap tomahawks but those are surprisingly hard to find. But this combo set was close enough. Plus there are two things in the box so we figured two of our guys could pick a weapon then stab the other guy before he complained.

Hot sauce

Nothing says “manly” like putting yourself through all kinds of hell just to prove you can deal with it. And with names like Devil’s Revenge and Ass Blaster, this hot sauce collection is like a test of manliness contained within a tiny-yet-masculine bottle. Ingesting this without dying is akin to pinning a man badge of honor directly onto your testicles.

Duke Cannon Big Ass Brick of Soap

You’d probably think that something like soap can’t possibly be manly. THINK AGAIN. Duke Cannon soap clearly states that it “smells like victory.” I could try and convince you that contrary to what Bath and Body Works would have you believe, soap can be a very manly thing. I could try...or I could copy/paste from the Duke Cannon website:


Man Candles

The Yankee Candle company apparently makes a line of Man Candles with scents such as Riding Mower, 2x4, Mmm Bacon, and Man Town. And while I wouldn't put myself through the torture of lighting a candle that smells like bacon without actually cooking bacon, we just couldn't say no to a scent called Man Town.

Beef Jerky

Possibly the most “normal” thing we included in our man basket. It is a fact that men like meat. And maybe that’s a stereotype perpetuated by truck drivers and Ron Swanson, but it’s also a stereotype that women like shoes and receiving jewelry in slow motion on the beach. The reason I bring this up is not to say that we should stop stereotyping based on gender, but that we should all agree that it’s ridiculous and keep doing it anyway.

Bag of rocks

HAHAHAHA (with tears in our eyes). That was our reaction to the thought of including a bag of rocks in our man basket. It was $2 so we f**ing did it.

To make this basket as manly as possible, we unceremoniously threw all this stuff into a trash can and wrapped it with a duct tape bow while Mulan's "I'll Make a Man out of You" played softly in the background.

It was glorious. And heavy. And it screamed of man. Or it screamed of ridiculous ladies who get carried away too easily. Probably the latter.

Sunday, December 1, 2013

The person I want to be

There are days when I think I’m a pretty awesome person. I mean, I smell good, my slipper tan is fading, I can flip an over easy egg - I got a lot of good things going for me. But as my Asian parents told me whenever I came home with an A, there’s always room for improvement. An A is just an A+ that didn’t push itself hard enough. So I’ve been thinking about how I can push myself to be a better person and I came up with a list. And that list was super long so I distilled it to the things I’m comfortable sharing with strangers.

someone who goes for a morning jog

Nothing says “I’m a determined, disciplined person” like someone who goes for a morning jog. It’s the crack of dawn and you’re doing something that requires physical effort so you’re doing two things that defy the laws of fun. I like running and all, but I can count the number of times I’ve gone on a morning run on one hand. It’s just so early and you haven’t had a chance to eat anything so you don’t feel like you have to justify running yet. The only thing fueling you is sheer willpower and the anticipatory satisfaction of telling your barista you did something before even getting your coffee. That’s dedication. Or masochistic. It’s a close call.

someone who grows their own tomatoes

I’m always impressed when people grow their own tomatoes. I don’t know why. We have an herb garden but for some reason it’s not as impressive as tomatoes. The words “You taste that hint of basil? Thanks. I grew that basil” don’t have the same weight as “You like that caprese salad? Thanks. The tomatoes were from my garden. You’re eating the vegetable-fruits of my labor.” Maybe it’s because there’s a little more work that goes into tomato growing. You have to look out for bugs and fend off woodland creatures and put all these things into the soil for optimal tomato plumpness. For whatever reason, growing your own tomatoes seems like an impressive feat to me and I’m super short so I have to find these roundabout ways to be impressive.

someone who’s familiar with classic movies

I’m not good about watching movies but I wish I was because movie references are a semi-universal language of cool. You can bond with a complete stranger over your love of a certain movie and you’d understand 15% more 30 Rock and Community jokes. And it’s even better when you reference classic movies because classic movies have more clout.  You wouldn’t judge someone for not seeing X Men: First Class but you will judge them if they haven’t seen The Godfather. It’s probably because classic movies have stood the test of time...or because it’s harder to watch newer movies for free.

someone who has an abundance of musically talented friends

I have some musically talented friends but I feel like if I had a TON of them life would be a super entertaining non-stop jam session. Like I wouldn’t be able to go a week without producing an acoustic cover of a rap song or a short but hilarious jingle about the food we’re eating. Sure it might be annoying after awhile, but the important thing is that it seems like a good time to an outside observer.

someone who reserves money for bums in a separate pocket in my purse

Fun fact: someone actually does do this and that person is Joanna Lewis. She keeps a stash of cash in an easy-to-access outside pocket of her purse so she doesn’t have to root around for it. BECAUSE SHE DOES IT SO FREQUENTLY THAT IT’S A PROBLEM. It takes a really, truly good person to do or even need something like this. And for the record, Joanna does all kinds of crazy nice things like talking to the survey takers at the mall, praying for people when they ask for it on Facebook, and braking for slow-moving pedestrians - even in super busy West Hollywood type areas. So yeah, one of my goals is to be half as nice as she is. But I won’t stop for survey takers. I have my limits.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

What Have We Been Up To?

Hey internet. It’s been awhile since we’ve last blogged and we don’t really have an excuse. But we have been doing things! Several things, in fact. Sometimes we do those things concurrently. Like eating Pirate Booty AND typing at the same time. It’s harder than you might think. You get a lot of crumbs on the keyboard if you’re not careful. #talent 

Here are some of the things we’ve been doing because the twelve people who read this are DYING TO KNOW! Or they’re just mildly curious.

Writing things

This blog is probably a bad example of it, but we’ve actually been writing a TON. We pretty much write every day. Since we’ve started this unemployment stint in July, we’ve taken maybe 5 days off from writing. We’re at each others’ houses every day just plugging away. This leads me to the next item…

Learning way too much about each other

There are no boundaries now. We start sentences with “this is probably an overshare” but we don’t really mean it. They’re empty words, like “don’t change who you are.” No one really means that. There’s something wrong with everyone, even Jesus. He smote a tree because it didn’t have figs on it. That was a bit of an overkill, amirite? Anyway, having spent sooo much time together, we now have an intimate knowledge of each others’ bathroom habits, bodily functions, snack choices, thoughts on makeup, awkward sexcapades, family disputes, deep seated emotional scars, and lotion preferences. It’s fun for us (we’ve almost perfected our Vulcan mind meld) but weird for our significant others.

Jesus smiting a tree

Learning about ourselves

Kristine: I’ve learned that I’m inherently a shorts person. If there was a way to wear jean shorts to the office and still look professional, I would totally do it. I tried classing it up by pairing jean shorts with a blazer, but I ended up looking confused as to what weather we’re having. I’ve also learned that I’m getting old because food is starting to affect me. Like, I have to watch my protein levels or I get lightheaded. And I can’t eat Frosted Flakes anymore because they’re too sweet! As the self-proclaimed VP of desserts and deliciousness, I never thought the day would come that something was too sweet for me. Getting old sucks. Luckily I’m not so far gone that I have to eat a lot of fiber or Activia, but that day might come sooner than I thought...

Jamie Lee Curtis for Activia!

Joanna: I’ve learned that I can not for the life of me do “plank” for a full minute. Also that my work out shorts were see-through.  That one was embarrassing.  Not so much on the day I learned it (only Kristine and Tony were around) but when I thought back on the past five years of wearing them in public. Giant Whoops. Oooh, I also learned that I am a big fan of heating pads. They really are hot little miracles for your body. Also I’ve learned that the more tired I am, the more unaware of spacial relationships I become.  I mean, I’ve always been clumsy. I always have bruises that I don’t know how I got.   So using this time of unemployment,  I’ve really tried to be aware of myself.   The other morning I was exhausted and getting Lilly ready for school and I walked into a filing cabinet, only to round the corner and miss the doorknob on the bathroom door, smacking my face against it. I thought, remember this moment so when your shoulder is bruised and so is your head you know why.  I don’t know what this knowledge does for me exactly.  But now I have it. I’ll figure out a use for it. Like a flower vase that someone gives you for your birthday.

Taking a UCB improv class

We took Improv 101 and it kicked our butts. But then we “yes and’ed” the hell out of that butt kicking and made it into a sketch. We learned a lot, embarrassed ourselves a ton, and sweated buckets. Joanna even had nervous farts the day of our graduation show and told that to the class, which was an indication of how nervous she was.  So as we’re sure you’ve guessed, we’re totally signing up for level 2!  We strongly recommend the classes! They’re a great way to meet new people who are like 10 years younger than you.  Honestly we think the median age might have been 22. Way to go funny young people. Shout out to Pam Murphy’s 101 Improv class!  We heart you guys!

Started doing Bar Method DVD workouts

Now truth be told, Kristine already has a pretty rockin’ body, so she agreed to pity workout with Joanna who was/is still pretty doughy.  We started doing the workouts about 2 weeks ago. We know we were gonna take parkour classes and we didn’t make good on that- but the truth is we were too lazy to drive that far away.  Sooo parkour - start classes in our area!   Back to the workouts,  Joanna is experiencing pain in new and unimagined ways, but she has managed to achieve the burgeoning of a bicep and a small line across the top of her abs indicating there is muscle under all that flab.  She’s very happy about that.  So thanks, Burr and Joey.  You know what you’ve done.  Joanna is starting to “look great in her blue jeans”.

Going on meetings

This is a very vague statement because it has to be and they are. Sometimes we meet with people for a reason, but most of the time we have “generals.” That’s just a fancy way of saying no one knows what that means. Usually it’s just us talking about ourselves and trying to get whoever we’re meeting with to laugh and follow us on Twitter. Sometimes we go on tangents and talk about Jem or superpowers for awhile. Sometimes it’s super awkward and we just stare at each other for 30 minutes. Just kidding. That hasn’t happened. Everyone loves us because we smell good and bring cookies! Actual compliment we got: “You should bring them back more often. They smell like fall.”

Eating, like, a barrel of Pirate Booty

Seriously, why is it so good? And they make it so fluffy that it doesn’t feel like you’re eating anything. It's like eating a cloud that's dusted in white cheddar and has the occasional hard corn piece.

Saturday, August 17, 2013

Irrational Fears

I have a theory that writers can be cripplingly imaginative, which is a nice way of saying batshit crazy. We’re constantly thinking in hypotheticals and our minds jump from step 1 to step 20 in a matter of seconds. You know how when a kid is telling you about their day and you zone out in the middle of it and suddenly they’re talking about something completely different? That’s my mind all the time. It can be a good thing when it comes to writing, but a bad thing when it comes to life. For example, I’ve developed some irrational fears.


Skills I would need in case of a zombie apocalypse

I hated running for the longest time, but about a year ago I started doing it again and I SUCKED at it. I could barely run a block without feeling like I was having an asthma attack. Naturally, the first thing that went through my mind was “I would be screwed in the event of a zombie apocalypse.” Now, I know that zombies run at different speeds (depending on the movie) but that doesn’t change the fact that they’re persistent as hell. (Side note: it would be nice to not have the brain capacity to give up.) Luckily my running stamina has increased since then, but there are other skills that the paranoid side of me thinks I should learn. These skills include, but aren’t limited to: knife throwing, gun shooting, head decapitating (don’t know how I’d practice that), Chun Li-style speed kicking (nerds know what I’m talking about), opening a Swiss Army knife without breaking a nail, horse taming and subsequently riding.

Great. More skills I should probably learn.

Randomly being impaled in the eye

Any time I see a lone pointy object, I imagine it impaling me in the eye. Specifically a single, stand-alone pointy object and specifically the eye. It’s not that I don’t care about being impaled in any other body part; it’s just that the fear is greater because the eye is a very delicate spot on your body that leads directly to the brain so the impact would be crazy detrimental. I don’t know about you, but it seems like a design flaw on God’s part to do it that way. (I’d write an angry letter to Him but I think His inbox is full from, like, complaints about political upheaval and mom groups.) So anytime I see a wooden stake, a piece of lumber on a truck, or a unicorn, I avert my eyes. Which sucks in the sense that a unicorn would be a wondrous thing to be able to look at.

Having to explain something serious to a kid

I’m not good at dealing with serious things without cracking a joke. Close friends and loved ones know this about me and accept the fact that I’m going to giggle at least once during Les Miserables. My fear is having to have a serious moment with a kid who’s too young to understand humor or the situation is so serious that it’s inappropriate. I can’t couch things in jokes! I can’t be awkward on purpose to lighten the mood! I’ll have to just say a bunch of things that are true! THIS FREAKS ME OUT!

We can't all be cool like you, Lorelai Gilmore!

Secretly being watched

Sometimes a stranger looks at me like the recognize me and my mind immediately jumps to "What if there's a camera in my house and I'm actually on some sort of web show I don't know about?! How embarrassing, but also entertaining I hope?" The more logical explanation is that just look like someone they know (very possible. I'm Asian, after all), but that doesn't stop me from thinking about the web show thing. Another theory that's crossed my mind is that am or just happen to look like The Chosen One for some sort of prophecy for a cult or Scientologists.

Running out of creative juices

I mean, what if there’s a fixed amount of creativity in the world and we hit a cap? Or, more logically - I believe that part of being creative means being unexpected and innovative. So... what if we hit a point where we’ve done everything? Shouldn’t there be some sort of emergency creativity reserve for this kind of thing? What will I do for a living? I won’t survive! The courtesy chuckles of strangers fuels me!

Sooo...this is a thing that exists. Future party favor?

Joanna says:

Well I didn’t want Kristine to be alone in such a vulnerable place, I mean, telling the world how to scare the shit out of you is probably pretty insane.  And yet here we are.  So deep breath and here goes.


Death by shark is my greatest fear in life. Everything about them terrifies me.  They actually evolved into highly efficient killing machines.  They don’t sleep, they’re always moving forward, they’re lightning fast, they have ROWS of teeth and have no problems growing new ones.  Do you know how many drunken fools wish they had that ability?  Or kids that got beaned in the tooth with a stackin’ jack by their two year old cousin? (Shout out to you little brother!)  But probably the most upsetting thing about sharks is -  they don’t actually want to eat us.  Soooo once they bite you - enough for you to die slowly and painfully from blood loss or limb loss - they’re like meh, this is one gross ass seal. I’ll find a tastier one.  And leave you to bleed out and drown.  They’re like serial killers who get bored with murder.


Second greatest fear in life. Not because I’m afraid of drowning (although I am scared of that too) but because a Tsunami brings a shark right to your front door.  Ding dong! Who’s there? SHARK ATTACK TO THE FACE!  No thank you.

Horror Movies

This one includes but is not limited to movies about: ghosts, spirits, undead, cannibals, any sort of possession, demons, monsters, definitely torture porn, and of course Satan himself.  I am a gigantic baby. Like huge.  I once couldn’t sleep for two weeks straight after watching Sin City because I kept imagining little Elijah Wood looking at me with his cold, unfeeling sunglass eyes, thinking hungry thoughts. {Silver Lining:  My husband who was my boyfriend at the time, not only tried to stay awake with me so I wasn’t scared, (FOR TWO WEEKS)  he also didn’t break up with me!   So at that point I was pretty sure it was love.}

Needing to drive stick shift in a life or death situation

Ok I’m gonna take you on this ride with me: The big one hits California.  Half of LA is buried in rubble and the other half is now on a giant peak like hundreds of feet above sea level.  Not only is the city in chaos and ruin, but when the earth broke apart -  a toxic gas was exhaled from the earth’s mantle. It infected most of the surviving population’s mind and now  they’re raving lunatics who confuse people with Carl’s Jr.  There I am, alone in the rubble, when five or six big-ish guys who really want to pay six bucks for a stupid burger spot me and they’re like “Hey, there’s a Carl’s Jr. - let’s eat!”  They give chase- but ya know, this isn’t their first burger and their tickers aren’t what they used to be.  If I wasn’t asthmatic, I’d probably be able to outrun them no problem. But I am and I can’t.  So what to do?  Glory be- I see a car shining in the distance.  I run as fast as my untoned legs will take me, hop in the car and find a key in the ignition!  Amazing! I turn it and then realize “OH NO. IT’S STICK SHIFT.” I’m not going anywhere and I’m about to be finished like a medium fries after a giant burger.  It’s curtains for me.

Lilly will realize how uncool I am/Lilly won’t realize how uncool I am:

I don’t want her to ever be embarrassed of me (By me- sure- not of me) but I also don’t want her to be the girl from Saturday Night Live either. No matter how you slice it, there’s gonna be a day when Lilly’s gonna go her own way and think what I do is as silly as I think some of the stuff my mom did is. So what to do? Nothing.  Solid insight me.

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Earthquake Preparedness: A True Story

Earlier this year the studio made us go to a mandatory emergency earthquake preparedness seminar. Naturally we were all like “uuuugggh, we have to stop sitting around in our office doing nothing and go all the way to the gym so we can sit around and do nothing? What is this life?!” We hemmed and hawed and shuffled off to the gym, where we proceeded to watch the most TERRIFYING VIDEO OF OUR LIVES. It basically told us that California is way overdue for a big earthquake because some hot shot tectonic plates are like SCREW YOU CALIFORNIA. WE’RE GONNA SHIFT SOME DAY AND THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT. WELL, THERE IS ONE THING YOU CAN DO: PREPAREDNESS.

Disclaimer: Watching this video might make you paranoid like us. Maybe read the rest of this entry before deciding whether or not you want that to happen.

The seminar went on to tell us about all the things we should have on hand in case of an earthquake: first aid kits, flashlights, wind up radios, matches, those weird foil emergency blankets, etc. They gave us helpful pamphlets and told us where we could buy pre-made Red Cross emergency packs for $39. Joanna, Whitney, and I promptly ignored these helpful tips and ventured off to Target to make more customized emergency packs for 2x the price.

Here are some things that are in our emergency packs:

First aid kits
Wind up radios/iPhone chargers
Luna bars
Diapers (for Lilly. And emergencies.)
Condoms (what else are you going to do?)
Alcohol (again, what else are you going to do?)
Zip ties (for apprehending hostiles)
A stylish-yet-functional doomsday outfit

As you can see from the inclusion of zip ties, our overactive minds jumped from earthquake preparedness to end-of-the-world doomsday preparedness. As a general note, I highly suggest everyone make their own emergency preparedness kit. Not only will you be prepared for an emergency (as the name implies), but it’s also interesting to see all the thoughts that go through your mind in regards to preparedness. You find yourself pondering the important things in life: Do I really need face wash and body wash or will bar soap work on both fronts? Do I really need a toothbrush when putting toothpaste on my finger works just as well? Will bras matter anymore? Do I know how to forage for food or fillet a fish? Should I learn that soon? All these thoughts and more race through your head when you’re doomsday prepping.

This is how to fillet a fish. (singing) The more you knowww!

I actually put a lot of thought into my doomsday outfit. I figured I’d want to be comfortable and warm, but not something that isn’t too heavy in case I have to run for a long time or traverse through the treacherous wasteland that used to be Earth. And I didn’t want to pack crappy clothes because what if this is all I get for forever? It may be the end of the world but that doesn’t mean I have to look terrible. I mean, Emma Stone had a great doomsday outfit in Zombieland. That leather jacket might be a nuisance on hot days but man does it look badass when you’re kicking zombie butt.

It's stylish, yet functional. Cute, but not so cute that a zombie gut stain is the end of the world. 

Anyway, long story short I decided on a loose pair of skinny jeans, a tank top, and a plaid shirt. And leggings in case it’s super cold.

Here are some things I’d put in my emergency pack had I thought about it/if I had more room:

The dictionary (there are so many words I don’t know. If I’m gonna have a lot of free time on my hands I might as well learn something)
Lots of paper and pens (assuming we won’t have technology, these will probably be like currency come doomsday. Where else are you going to write down the screenplay you’re writing about this tragedy as it happens?)
A really good pair of insoles (if you’re walking around in the same pair of shoes for the rest of your life, you’re gonna need some arch support)
A bow and arrow (it just seems appropriate)

A book that somehow teaches you self defense. Probably a good thing to learn. Also, I’m assuming such a book exists.

Found this gem on Amazon...could be handy in the event of the end of the world. How did this start again? Earthquakes? Yeah, we're way past that.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Things that never happened: Pretty Little Liars edition

One of the things we do a lot is imagine elaborate backstories for things that never happened. For example, one day Joanna and Whitney almost got run over by two teenage girls in a Burbank parking lot and proceeded to imagine a hilarious 20 minute conversation between those girls whom they hypothetically (and appropriately) named Jenna and Brie. “Ohmigod, Jenna, you totally almost ran over those girls in your mom’s Yukon.” “Shut up, Brie! It didn’t happen, did it?” “No wonder you mom doesn’t let you borrow the Yukon often.” “Whatever, Brie. Shut your mouth hole.”So a couple of days ago I was using the Netflix account on my AppleTV to watch “Pretty Little Liars.” I was a couple of episodes in when I realized I wasn’t signed into our Netflix account - it was some random person’s. I asked Chris if he knew who it was but he was just as confused as I was so I assume it was some weird glitch in the AppleTV system? I switched the account back to mine but the person who was accidentally signed in will still have “Pretty Little Liars” pop up under their “Recently Watched” stuff. I won’t post the email address, but let’s just say this person was definitely a guy and he mostly had dramas and guy shows in his queue, so “Pretty Little Liars” would stick out like a sore thumb. 

These girls are so good at walk/posing!

I started to imagine how this person would react upon finding “Pretty Little Liars” in their history, and this is what I came up with:

A guy (let’s call him Tad) is about to watch Sons of Anarchy or something with his girlfriend (let’s call her Rhonda) on Netflix when PLL shows up.

Rhonda: Tad, did you watch Pretty Little Liars?
Tad: No. Did you?
Rhonda: No. You know I can’t stand that teenybopper stuff. It’s like, how old are we? 23? No. We’re 31 and 32.
Tad: I know how old we are. You don’t have to state the obvious.
Rhonda: Apparently I do because Pretty Little Liars is right there under “Recently Watched”. So either you watched it recently or... <GASP> Are you cheating on me?
Tad: No!
Rhonda: You are! You’re cheating on me with someone who watches Pretty Little Liars! Who is it? Is it Camille? She’s all into that Disney shit. Ugh, I can’t stand that girl. She thinks she’s so cool because she can talk to 8 year olds without talking down to them. Who lists that as a skill?
Tad: Babe, I swear, there’s nothing going on with me and Camille. I took her out for coffee once, but that was because I almost ran over her foot with my car. Thank goodness she wears shoes that are 2 sizes too big.
Rhonda: Is it Anita? She loves all that CW stuff. She’s been telling me to watch Vampire Diaries for years - she’s totally the type to watch Pretty Little Liars.
Tad: I’m telling you, I’m not cheating on you! Besides, Pretty Little Liars is on ABC Family.
Rhonda: So you DO watch it!
Tad: No! I can’t even stand Lucy Hale. She reminds me too much of Katie Holmes but younger and less robot-like.
Rhonda: Ohmigod, you totally watch it. You know who Lucy Hale is.
Tad: What? She’s a celebrity. Doesn’t everyone knows who she is?
Tad: ...Wait. How did you know all that?
(awkward silence)
Rhonda: Okay, fine. I’ve seen an episode or six of Pretty Little Liars.
Tad: Ha!
Rhonda: But I didn’t watch them on your Netflix account!
Tad: Neither did I! Look, can we just forget about this? Please? You owe me. There was that one time you didn’t put in for tip at that big group dinner and I didn’t say anything.
Rhonda: It was either that or hold everyone up with my credit card bill! How was I supposed to know everyone else had cash on them? Seriously - fifteen people and everyone had cash. When has that ever happened?
Tad: Babe, just let it go. I really want to get past this, open a fresh bag of Pirate Booty, and watch Sons of Anarchy with you.
Rhonda: Fine.
(They settle in and start watching Sons of Anarchy whilst munching on Pirate Booty.)
Tad: So who do you think A is? I think--