Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Fall...Now With More F***ing!

As you might know from our previous blog post, fall is Joanna's favorite time of year. She loves it so much that she has this sign on her mantle...

...which was painstakingly made from a $3 kit from Target, a barbecue stick, and a printer. A few days ago, Jo was openly weeping over the fact that this is probably the last year she could have that sign up because Lilly will probably be able to read it next year. "WHY DOES SHE HAVE TO LEARN?" Joanna cried, salting her pumpkin spice latte with her tears. In an effort to console her, I joked that she'd only have to take it down for a few years, just until Lilly understands humor and possesses the self-control to not say the word from her mantle at school. "And when you bring it back, you can have a big ass marquis sign that says FUCKING FALL!" I said, wiping Joanna's tears with an infinity scarf. Joanna: "That is a brilliant idea except not for the future--for NOW." And with a crazy look in her eye, Joanna darted off to Hobby Lobby, leaving me in her living room with a look of confusion and a salty pumpkin spice latte.

A few hours later, I got a phone call from Joanna. She was lost in Hobby Lobby. Also she had spent $100 on supplies to make a Fucking Fall sign. Naturally, I craftgasmed and sang: "PROJECT!"

The next day, Joanna showed up with letters, a bundle of wood, glitter paints, gold leafing, fake berries, and root beer candy. We set to work.  We started with fucking.

Then it was time for fall, which was way more complicated than fucking. First we had to drill holes into the wood to put lights through.

We were super proud of ourselves for being LADIES who HANDLED POWER TOOLS like BOSSES! Then it got more complicated so we gave up and got Chris to do it.

Then we painted the letters and tested it out. The first time we turned those lights on Joanna's face lit up like a Christmas tree that had been hit with a flame thrower.

The end product is AMAZING. No one will ever doubt Joanna's cult-like devotion to fall. AND we made "fucking" removable so fall can still be festive and the "fucking" will live on in our hearts. And in Joanna's closet until it's time to come back out.


Wednesday, October 7, 2015

It's F**ing FALL!

Do you feel a chill in the wind? Do you step outside and hear the satisfying crunch of crisp leaves beneath your leather boots? Can you sense Mother Nature changing her song beneath the harvest moon as notes of maple envelop your senses like a cozy knitted scarf? No? It's still 90 degrees outside? Then you must live in Southern California too. But since all the grocery stores and coffee shops are coming out with their pumpkin flavored products anyway, we're gonna pretend it's fall already. YAAAY GOURDS!

We tried to take this picture together, but it was too hard to find a kindly passerby.
So instead we found a kindly boyfriend to make a gif!

Fall is Joanna's favorite time of year. She loves it so much that this is her mantle:

...and she's preventing her kid from learning how to read so she can keep it.

What's not to love about fall? Thanks to the award winning scientists and/or nose magicians that work at Bath and Body works, everywhere you go it smells like a hug.

Cozy Vanilla Cream! Crisp Morning Air! Fuzzy Blanket Frosting Pumpkin!
That last one was made up but I'm wishing on a pumpkin for it to be real!

Also, you can't beat fall attire. The plaids, the coats, the stylish ushankas...

"There's a squirrel on my hand."
And in LA we get to wear faux fall attire, like boots with whimsical socks and a skirt. Everywhere else, this would be considered insane. But here, it's so stylish we found this on gorgeutiful.com:

Not to mention, they keep coming out with new and inventive ways to stay warm. Restoration Hardware makes a great foot duvet. And this, I believe, is a blanket made of pillows...

And these are bjorns made out of people.

Fall is a magical time, when parking lots go from a sad stretch of asphalt littered with trash to a wonderland of pumpkins and bounce houses littered with trash!

"Where should I put my feet? Sinking ship, pirate ship, or tiger mouth?!"
Forealsies though, fall is my favorite time of year. Mostly because of the limited edition fall snacks, but also because of Thanksgiving and togetherness. And Fall Dinner, which is an epic explosion of all things fall so big that it needs its own post. Stay tuned!

Saturday, October 3, 2015

Nuggets of Wisdom

We're blogging again, which means we just finished another job! We get that we really need to be better about this.  Maintaining this blog has become another one of those empty promises you make to yourself, like "I'll buy organic food once I can afford it" and "I'll have lunch with my friends once I have actual friends." But writing is hard, you guys. Everything we write is an art form, from a 15-word tweet to a 120 page screenplay. I believe this with my heart, my soul, and my wallet, because saying this means people will keep paying us to do it.

This job came with a lot of perks. We had a wonderful writers room, we were based on the Disney lot, and we had constant access to string cheese. Also they were holding auditions for a show in our hallway so every time we walked through, everyone looked at us hopefully and we felt important for, like, five seconds until they realized people dressed like us couldn't possibly have any power. Plus we learned a lot! For example...

Farts can cure cancer

It's in Time Magazine...'s website, so it must be true! Apparently hydrogen sulfite, which is found in farts, can help protect mitochondria which in turn generate energy in your cells, which is central to preventing diseases such as cancer, arthritis, and strokes. This, of course, led to a room bit that involved farting then saying "you're welcome." We later learned that smelling farts can also be toxic in large doses. So I guess the lesson is: if you're sick, it might be because of farts but also you can cure yourself with more farts.  

How to eat an apple

In addition to string cheese and Goldfish crackers, we had a steady stream of apples in the office (yes, we ate like 8 year-olds). One day, fellow writer and boss man Plattie ate an apple. Like, the entire apple except for the stem. We all looked at him like he was crazy and he looked at us like "what?" Joanna informed him that apple seeds have arsenic and I nodded knowingly even though this was news to me. The next time Plattie ate an apple he asked Joanna how to eat it without getting poisoned. Joanna: "Just eat it like a person." 

Fun fact: all the pics of girls eating apples were cute, like they were taking dainty lady bites.
All the pics of kids were like "IMMA PUT MY WHOLE FACE IN THIS APPLE!!"

If you can't close a fridge door, there's probably something in the way.

One day, Plattie was having a hard time closing a fridge door. He repeatedly attempted to close it by slamming it over and over, to no avail. Fellow writer Lauren had enough. She walked over to the fridge, quickly assessed the situation and turned to Plattie. "You see this?" She pointed to a bottle on the floor between the fridge and the door. "This is why you couldn't close the door." She moved it, and the door closed! We learned how to close a fridge door and that Lauren was really good at "mom tone."

"Fridges are hard! Also, who keeps crackers in the fridge?"

"What is a butt? It's like your legs end... in a butt."

Those are just some words worth documenting from our fellow writer, Alex Reid.

Steak and eggs is what you should have for breakfast

It says so in this video that we watched all the time.  I mean, this video that we staunchly ignored because we were hard at work.

Thursday, October 1, 2015

Cheese flavored corn products

I have a problem. I eat way too many cheese flavored corn products. I know what you're thinking - "That's an oddly specific thing to eat a lot of. Also, what is Fetty Wap?" I can't help you with part two of that question. I think it's a Fraggle or maybe the name of a Garbage Pail Kid? But back to the corn thing - it IS weirdly specific but also not because I can name ten CFCP's and still feel like I'm leaving some out! And I WILL do that, even though I'm probably the only one who's even remotely interested in this, because if you can't be your weird self on the internet, then what is the point of Chris Hardwick?

10. Baked Cheetos

I know diet people and skinny news anchors lie about this all the time, but these taste just like the regular thing! They are crunchy little gnarled fingers of goodness and they won't break the caloric bank. I give them my cheese stamp of approval. That sounds dirty.

9. Mac N' Cheese Puffs

You can only find these at Sprouts and Whole Foods type places but they're pretty darn good and shaped like tubes. I like to pretend they're flavor tunnels because I'm weird and I have an iron deficiency.

8. Skinny Pop White Cheddar

Fair warning - it is "Skinny Pop" so it's not like there's a burst of cheese flavor. It's more like a gentle sprinkling of cheese-like dust. But it's like a Lean Cuisine - if you keep eating it, your mouth forgets to compare it to better things. And at 100 cals for 3.5 cups, you can't really complain.

7. Pirate Booty

In my humble opinion, the mother of all CFCP's. You just can't beat Pirate Booty. Not only is it a classic snack that has stood the test of time, it's also the only thing I can keep down when I'm hungover. Because it's delicate, yet flavorful, and 80% of it is air.

6. Chiz Curls

This is a weird one. This is a filipino-brand cheese snack that I used to get when I was a kid. It's SUPER oily and not nearly as crunchy as some of this other stuff, but it will always hold a special place in my heart because it's something my parents gave me to make me shut up. It's like an oily reminder that I can get anything I want if I just keep talking.

5. Cheetos Bag of Bones

Okay, this just came out and I'm pretty excited about it. If there's 2 things that get me, it's cheese flavored corn products and seasonal snacks. This is both! It's basically white cheddar Cheetos shaped like skeleton parts. It is gooood. I highly recommend getting it and trying to assemble a skeleton by pulling out random handfuls so you can be like "Oh noooo, now I gotta eat the parts I don't need."

4. Trader Joe's Baconesque Popcorn

Trader Joe's continues to be innovative yet pandering to hipsters with this vegetarian-friendly bacon white cheddar popcorn. It really does taste like bacon, in a bac'n bits kind of way. And on the front of the bag, there's a picture of a proper lady assaulting a gentleman with her opinion! So scandalous!

3. Fresh and Easy Pirate Treasure

You're probably thinking "that doesn't count - that's the same as Pirate Booty!" But you'd be wrong and I'd slap you for such an outburst! The consistency of this knockoff Pirate Booty is way different - not as crunchy but it has more flavor. It's like every fifth piece of Pirate Booty. PB purists know what I'm talking about.

2. Popcorner's White Cheddar

If you're a fan of rice cakes but more flavorful and in the shape of a triangle, then you'll love these things. They come in other flavors, like cheesy jalapeƱo and kettle corn, but white cheddar is the best. I guess you can call me a white cheddar supremacist. And you'd be right but you'd also be a jerk for making a joke about race via cheese analogies.

1. Pirate Booty Crunchy Treasures

If Pirate Booty is the mother of all CFCP's, then this is like the grandmother on steroids. Unlike regular Pirate Booty, Crunchy Treasures comes in all kinds of pirate-themed shapes like an anchor, a wheel, and a squiggle. And even though it's God's gift to mouths, it's super hard to find. I think it had an experimental release about a year ago, wherein I stocked up on bags of it because the things I love always get taken away from me (RIP, mint Kit Kats). I literally wrote letters to Pirate Booty demanding they bring it back, but to no avail. Recently I resorted to ordering a case from Amazon and now I have a treasure box of PBCT in my garage that I can tap into when I need my fix. I highly recommend you do the same. Because as you can see from the sad, sad list I've compiled, I'm an expert on this stuff. And if you can't be an expert on things that don't matter on the internet, then what is the point of being a millennial?!