Fall...Now With More F***ing!

As you might know from our previous blog post, fall is Joanna's favorite time of year. She loves it so much that she has this sign on her mantle...

...which was painstakingly made from a $3 kit from Target, a barbecue stick, and a printer. A few days ago, Jo was openly weeping over the fact that this is probably the last year she could have that sign up because Lilly will probably be able to read it next year. "WHY DOES SHE HAVE TO LEARN?" Joanna cried, salting her pumpkin spice latte with her tears. In an effort to console her, I joked that she'd only have to take it down for a few years, just until Lilly understands humor and possesses the self-control to not say the word from her mantle at school. "And when you bring it back, you can have a big ass marquis sign that says FUCKING FALL!" I said, wiping Joanna's tears with an infinity scarf. Joanna: "That is a brilliant idea except not for the future--for NOW." And with a crazy look in her eye, Joanna darted off to Hobby Lobby, leaving me in her living room with a look of confusion and a salty pumpkin spice latte.

A few hours later, I got a phone call from Joanna. She was lost in Hobby Lobby. Also she had spent $100 on supplies to make a Fucking Fall sign. Naturally, I craftgasmed and sang: "PROJECT!"

The next day, Joanna showed up with letters, a bundle of wood, glitter paints, gold leafing, fake berries, and root beer candy. We set to work.  We started with fucking.

Then it was time for fall, which was way more complicated than fucking. First we had to drill holes into the wood to put lights through.

We were super proud of ourselves for being LADIES who HANDLED POWER TOOLS like BOSSES! Then it got more complicated so we gave up and got Chris to do it.

Then we painted the letters and tested it out. The first time we turned those lights on Joanna's face lit up like a Christmas tree that had been hit with a flame thrower.

The end product is AMAZING. No one will ever doubt Joanna's cult-like devotion to fall. AND we made "fucking" removable so fall can still be festive and the "fucking" will live on in our hearts. And in Joanna's closet until it's time to come back out.

YAAAY WE'RE RIDICULOUS!

It's F**ing FALL!

Do you feel a chill in the wind? Do you step outside and hear the satisfying crunch of crisp leaves beneath your leather boots? Can you sense Mother Nature changing her song beneath the harvest moon as notes of maple envelop your senses like a cozy knitted scarf? No? It's still 90 degrees outside? Then you must live in Southern California too. But since all the grocery stores and coffee shops are coming out with their pumpkin flavored products anyway, we're gonna pretend it's fall already. YAAAY GOURDS!

We tried to take this picture together, but it was too hard to find a kindly passerby.
So instead we found a kindly boyfriend to make a gif!

Fall is Joanna's favorite time of year. She loves it so much that this is her mantle:

...and she's preventing her kid from learning how to read so she can keep it.

What's not to love about fall? Thanks to the award winning scientists and/or nose magicians that work at Bath and Body works, everywhere you go it smells like a hug.

Cozy Vanilla Cream! Crisp Morning Air! Fuzzy Blanket Frosting Pumpkin!
That last one was made up but I'm wishing on a pumpkin for it to be real!

Also, you can't beat fall attire. The plaids, the coats, the stylish ushankas...

"There's a squirrel on my hand."

And in LA we get to wear faux fall attire, like boots with whimsical socks and a skirt. Everywhere else, this would be considered insane. But here, it's so stylish we found this on gorgeutiful.com:

Not to mention, they keep coming out with new and inventive ways to stay warm. Restoration Hardware makes a great foot duvet. And this, I believe, is a blanket made of pillows...

And these are bjorns made out of people.

Fall is a magical time, when parking lots go from a sad stretch of asphalt littered with trash to a wonderland of pumpkins and bounce houses littered with trash!

"Where should I put my feet? Sinking ship, pirate ship, or tiger mouth?!"

Forealsies though, fall is my favorite time of year. Mostly because of the limited edition fall snacks, but also because of Thanksgiving and togetherness. And Fall Dinner, which is an epic explosion of all things fall so big that it needs its own post. Stay tuned!

Nuggets of Wisdom

We're blogging again, which means we just finished another job! We get that we really need to be better about this.  Maintaining this blog has become another one of those empty promises you make to yourself, like "I'll buy organic food once I can afford it" and "I'll have lunch with my friends once I have actual friends." But writing is hard, you guys. Everything we write is an art form, from a 15-word tweet to a 120 page screenplay. I believe this with my heart, my soul, and my wallet, because saying this means people will keep paying us to do it.

This job came with a lot of perks. We had a wonderful writers room, we were based on the Disney lot, and we had constant access to string cheese. Also they were holding auditions for a show in our hallway so every time we walked through, everyone looked at us hopefully and we felt important for, like, five seconds until they realized people dressed like us couldn't possibly have any power. Plus we learned a lot! For example...

Farts can cure cancer

It's in Time Magazine...'s website, so it must be true! Apparently hydrogen sulfite, which is found in farts, can help protect mitochondria which in turn generate energy in your cells, which is central to preventing diseases such as cancer, arthritis, and strokes. This, of course, led to a room bit that involved farting then saying "you're welcome." We later learned that smelling farts can also be toxic in large doses. So I guess the lesson is: if you're sick, it might be because of farts but also you can cure yourself with more farts.  

How to eat an apple

In addition to string cheese and Goldfish crackers, we had a steady stream of apples in the office (yes, we ate like 8 year-olds). One day, fellow writer and boss man Plattie ate an apple. Like, the entire apple except for the stem. We all looked at him like he was crazy and he looked at us like "what?" Joanna informed him that apple seeds have arsenic and I nodded knowingly even though this was news to me. The next time Plattie ate an apple he asked Joanna how to eat it without getting poisoned. Joanna: "Just eat it like a person." 

Fun fact: all the pics of girls eating apples were cute, like they were taking dainty lady bites.
All the pics of kids were like "IMMA PUT MY WHOLE FACE IN THIS APPLE!!"

If you can't close a fridge door, there's probably something in the way.

One day, Plattie was having a hard time closing a fridge door. He repeatedly attempted to close it by slamming it over and over, to no avail. Fellow writer Lauren had enough. She walked over to the fridge, quickly assessed the situation and turned to Plattie. "You see this?" She pointed to a bottle on the floor between the fridge and the door. "This is why you couldn't close the door." She moved it, and the door closed! We learned how to close a fridge door and that Lauren was really good at "mom tone."

"Fridges are hard! Also, who keeps crackers in the fridge?"

"What is a butt? It's like your legs end... in a butt."

Those are just some words worth documenting from our fellow writer, Alex Reid.

Steak and eggs is what you should have for breakfast

It says so in this video that we watched all the time.  I mean, this video that we staunchly ignored because we were hard at work.

Cheese flavored corn products

I have a problem. I eat way too many cheese flavored corn products. I know what you're thinking - "That's an oddly specific thing to eat a lot of. Also, what is Fetty Wap?" I can't help you with part two of that question. I think it's a Fraggle or maybe the name of a Garbage Pail Kid? But back to the corn thing - it IS weirdly specific but also not because I can name ten CFCP's and still feel like I'm leaving some out! And I WILL do that, even though I'm probably the only one who's even remotely interested in this, because if you can't be your weird self on the internet, then what is the point of Chris Hardwick?

10. Baked Cheetos

I know diet people and skinny news anchors lie about this all the time, but these taste just like the regular thing! They are crunchy little gnarled fingers of goodness and they won't break the caloric bank. I give them my cheese stamp of approval. That sounds dirty.

9. Mac N' Cheese Puffs

You can only find these at Sprouts and Whole Foods type places but they're pretty darn good and shaped like tubes. I like to pretend they're flavor tunnels because I'm weird and I have an iron deficiency.

8. Skinny Pop White Cheddar

Fair warning - it is "Skinny Pop" so it's not like there's a burst of cheese flavor. It's more like a gentle sprinkling of cheese-like dust. But it's like a Lean Cuisine - if you keep eating it, your mouth forgets to compare it to better things. And at 100 cals for 3.5 cups, you can't really complain.

7. Pirate Booty

In my humble opinion, the mother of all CFCP's. You just can't beat Pirate Booty. Not only is it a classic snack that has stood the test of time, it's also the only thing I can keep down when I'm hungover. Because it's delicate, yet flavorful, and 80% of it is air.

6. Chiz Curls

This is a weird one. This is a filipino-brand cheese snack that I used to get when I was a kid. It's SUPER oily and not nearly as crunchy as some of this other stuff, but it will always hold a special place in my heart because it's something my parents gave me to make me shut up. It's like an oily reminder that I can get anything I want if I just keep talking.

5. Cheetos Bag of Bones

Okay, this just came out and I'm pretty excited about it. If there's 2 things that get me, it's cheese flavored corn products and seasonal snacks. This is both! It's basically white cheddar Cheetos shaped like skeleton parts. It is gooood. I highly recommend getting it and trying to assemble a skeleton by pulling out random handfuls so you can be like "Oh noooo, now I gotta eat the parts I don't need."

4. Trader Joe's Baconesque Popcorn

Trader Joe's continues to be innovative yet pandering to hipsters with this vegetarian-friendly bacon white cheddar popcorn. It really does taste like bacon, in a bac'n bits kind of way. And on the front of the bag, there's a picture of a proper lady assaulting a gentleman with her opinion! So scandalous!

3. Fresh and Easy Pirate Treasure

You're probably thinking "that doesn't count - that's the same as Pirate Booty!" But you'd be wrong and I'd slap you for such an outburst! The consistency of this knockoff Pirate Booty is way different - not as crunchy but it has more flavor. It's like every fifth piece of Pirate Booty. PB purists know what I'm talking about.

2. Popcorner's White Cheddar

If you're a fan of rice cakes but more flavorful and in the shape of a triangle, then you'll love these things. They come in other flavors, like cheesy jalapeño and kettle corn, but white cheddar is the best. I guess you can call me a white cheddar supremacist. And you'd be right but you'd also be a jerk for making a joke about race via cheese analogies.

1. Pirate Booty Crunchy Treasures

If Pirate Booty is the mother of all CFCP's, then this is like the grandmother on steroids. Unlike regular Pirate Booty, Crunchy Treasures comes in all kinds of pirate-themed shapes like an anchor, a wheel, and a squiggle. And even though it's God's gift to mouths, it's super hard to find. I think it had an experimental release about a year ago, wherein I stocked up on bags of it because the things I love always get taken away from me (RIP, mint Kit Kats). I literally wrote letters to Pirate Booty demanding they bring it back, but to no avail. Recently I resorted to ordering a case from Amazon and now I have a treasure box of PBCT in my garage that I can tap into when I need my fix. I highly recommend you do the same. Because as you can see from the sad, sad list I've compiled, I'm an expert on this stuff. And if you can't be an expert on things that don't matter on the internet, then what is the point of being a millennial?!

Soooo, like Kristine said -  it's been a while since we've blogged. Not because we haven't had thoughts,  because we have. I mean we're basically Plato ....  if Plato wasn't profound in any way. 

What was I writing about?  I got distracted by finding this boss picture of Plato.  He had a wonky nose, no? Or is that just a bad day for the sculptor? Or just time eroding his stony nose parts?  Hmmmm.  Well. Much like getting to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop, the world may never know.  Well they probably do, but I don't so... Why haven't we been writing on our blog?  Simple answer.  We've been losing our f-ing minds.  And we've been busy. Like crazy busy.    But here are some of tangential things that we've learned over the last six months that I thought we'd share with you.

Termite Farts are majorly responsible for Global Warming.  Whaaaatttt?  It's true. Google that shit.  They are the second largest contributor to methane emissions.  Crazy right? I wish my farts could be that epic.  Nope. I immediately take that back. Everyone would be so mad at me, I'd end up in jail or not allowed to eat any of the foods that make me happy.  Sooo I'm good with my non- epic farts.

GLUTEN isn't our friend. Guys, this was a sad sad day in our lives.  If you know us at all,  you know how much Kristine loves baking a ton and I love eating a ton.  So avoiding gluten has been pretty sad.  No more of this stuff for us. Soft weeping sounds.

Boooooooo!

Next up:
There are at least forty five sexual positions we didn't know about before having to research them. Yep.  That was part of our job. We got paid to do that.  Just let that marinate for a little while.  I was gonna post a picture of this one but then decided I don't know what the blogger policy on computer animated sex positions was.  But if you get the chance look up the "Sultry Saddle" I just like saying it. It's funny.

We learned about testosterone injections.   Apparently if you over do it,  the testosterone  turns into estrogen in your body. Crazy right?  So you go from this:

to... this:

Who knew? I'm not sure which one is worse honestly.  Because it'd be awesome to be strong but a good cry is also so nice sometimes, ya know?  And lets be serious - neither look is especially attractive.

We also learned about the Bechdel test.  Which yes, we had no idea about.  We are lousy feminists.  But for all of you who are too - here you go.   These are the rules - IN A MOVIE  or a WORK OF FICTION -  ARE THERE...

??? If so, the movie passes if not - it fails.  You'd be surprised how many movies fail.  I know I was.   Like really surprised.

And yes we did learn  that Ghosts apparently sweat the Hoff.   But look at him.  How could they not? I get it Building 131 Ghost,  I really do....

We're back!

As you can see from the six month gap in entries, we’ve been MIA for a while.  I know what you’re thinking: did we got knocked up and go into hiding until the shame baby came out?  Answer: no.  That would be a terrible thing to do, both because babies are a gift and hiding is hard.  We’ve just been working our butts off on season 3 of Sullivan & Son and our Amazon pilot.  But now that we’re done we can finally come up for air and do all the things we kept telling ourselves we’d do when we had the time, like update this blog, watch Scandal, and shower regularly!

The past six months have probably changed our lives forever.  We'll always have part of this experience nestled deep within creative DNA of our hearts...and our souls. Naturally, we’re going to do justice to that change by writing 4 brief paragraphs about the things we’ve learned.

1. People are awesome.

We had the pleasure of working with some of the funniest, most talented group of writers you’ll ever meet, and here’s the kicker--all of them were NICE.  Unbelievably nice.  There were probably as many fart jokes as there were offers to get anyone something from the kitchen.  That probably doesn’t sound like much, but when you think about how many fart jokes are pitched and how often talented people are jerks, it’s really saying something.  When we go on meetings and tell people that everyone in the room got along, they raise their eyebrows in surprise and tell us how lucky we are.  To which we reply: “We’re not lucky, we sacrifice three virgins to the goddess Tyche under the gibbous moon in exchange for tidings of good fortune and a discount at Zales.” #justkiddingwe’resuperlucky

2. Craft services is dangerous.

Seriously, we’ve gained so much weight from being on this show.  I’d like to say it was worth it for the laughs but I’d also like to put on my pants without help from a shoe horn.  The craft services table was perpetually stocked with brownie trays, Porto’s cheese rolls, and an untouched cinnamon bundt cake.  There was a separate room that had an espresso machine, an ice cream freezer, and gumball machines that didn’t take money.  One day we were on stage in the morning and they had three trays of bacon.  DIFFERENT TYPES OF BACON.  Another time they had shrimp cocktail on a clamshell ice sculpture.  It was like something out of a fancy banquet in The Little Mermaid.  But not, because Ariel probably wouldn’t want to eat her friends off of something that looks like her bra made of ice.

3. The Warner Bros lot is a magical place.

You can be on a posh NYC brownstone one minute and a sketchy looking alley the next.  One day we were almost run over by Clint Eastwood driving a golf cart and it was a memorable day because that happened PLUS I got Jamba Juice!  There’s a room full of Batmobiles, a room of Dementors, a Starbucks AND a Coffee Bean.  One night we were working late and we heard a huge explosion.  We all rushed outside and saw a cloud of smoke.  For a brief moment we debated driving over to see if anyone needed our help.  Then we were like “duh, we’re on a lot, it’s probably Michael Bay blowing up a church for some reason.”  And it turned out to be true, except it was Pretty Little Liars blowing up a church for some reason.

4. Ghosts are weird.

For a long time, we kept hearing this story about how the building we were working in was haunted because a writer committed suicide in it.  No one had that many details on it; they just heard from a friend of a friend that that happened and it was this building.  So naturally, we brushed it off as a sad attempt to scare writers off of the show to make room for someone’s brother-in-law’s car wash guy who could really use a break.  But I did hear some strange noises and there were definitely some creepy vibes in the hallway, but that could be because there were no lights in there except for the red exit sign and it looked like something out of Total Recall.  One night, Joanna and I were working late, we went to our boss’s office to ask him a question, and came back to our office ten minutes later.  Joanna: “Um, were you using my laptop?” Me: “No. Why?” Joanna: “Because the wikipedia page for David Hasselhoff is up.  And I did not look him up.”  WHAAA?!  Conclusion: there is indeed a ghost haunting building #131 on the Warner lot, and he’s a big fan of David Hasselhoff.  

Bad Romance

Valentine’s day is coming up and with it comes all kinds of quote/unquote “romantic” propaganda. I can’t turn on the TV without seeing ads for things like flowers, flower shaped fruits, heart shaped chocolates, and Christian shaped soulmates. Call me a pessimist, but I don’t see how any of that stuff equates romance. Maybe it’s because I’m dead inside. Or maybe it’s just that defying expectations brings me joy. It’s right up there with warm blankets from the dryer and watching babies deal with a piece of tape for the first time.

Beaches

I’ve never been a big fan of the beach. It’s smelly, it’s hard to park, the ocean air leaves a film on your skin, and you’ll be haunted by sand granules for days. It’s just a big hassle. Sure you can have a lovely view of the sunset...but so what? It’s not like you can look directly into it.

Actual cheesy picture my boyfriend and I took at the beach. Because we're cool.

Jewelry

I might be in the minority here, but I don’t see the big appeal of jewelry. It’s just so expensive for so little return. When I find out how much jewelry costs, all I can think about is how many cookies I can buy for that much money. The exception, of course, is Swarovski crystals.

Chocolate

Okay, don’t get me wrong - I understand liking chocolate as a concept. I don’t understand how it’s romantic. It’s messy, it has an uncanny resemblance to crap, and it’s likely to fall down your shirt and melt onto your body. (Sounds like it could be kinky, but in reality it’s just uncomfortable.)

Movies

Movies seem to be a typical “date night” trope. But do they still keep that appeal after high school? I get that when you’re young and cheap it’s a good excuse to be alone in the dark with someone, but there are plenty of other ways to do this when you’re older. If the thought is that seeing people make out on screen will inspire you to make out in real life, then by that logic you can get the same result by watching the CW for five minutes.

#normal

Up-do’s with, like, tendrils and braids

Go ahead and Google "romantic updos". This is the kind of stuff that comes up? Why does this hairstyle scream “romantic girl”? Who wants hair dangling in front of their eyes? It’s really annoying in real life. I imagine. I don’t have the patience to arrange my hair this way.