Thursday, October 1, 2015

Cheese flavored corn products

I have a problem. I eat way too many cheese flavored corn products. I know what you're thinking - "That's an oddly specific thing to eat a lot of. Also, what is Fetty Wap?" I can't help you with part two of that question. I think it's a Fraggle or maybe the name of a Garbage Pail Kid? But back to the corn thing - it IS weirdly specific but also not because I can name ten CFCP's and still feel like I'm leaving some out! And I WILL do that, even though I'm probably the only one who's even remotely interested in this, because if you can't be your weird self on the internet, then what is the point of Chris Hardwick?

10. Baked Cheetos

I know diet people and skinny news anchors lie about this all the time, but these taste just like the regular thing! They are crunchy little gnarled fingers of goodness and they won't break the caloric bank. I give them my cheese stamp of approval. That sounds dirty.

9. Mac N' Cheese Puffs

You can only find these at Sprouts and Whole Foods type places but they're pretty darn good and shaped like tubes. I like to pretend they're flavor tunnels because I'm weird and I have an iron deficiency.

8. Skinny Pop White Cheddar

Fair warning - it is "Skinny Pop" so it's not like there's a burst of cheese flavor. It's more like a gentle sprinkling of cheese-like dust. But it's like a Lean Cuisine - if you keep eating it, your mouth forgets to compare it to better things. And at 100 cals for 3.5 cups, you can't really complain.

7. Pirate Booty

In my humble opinion, the mother of all CFCP's. You just can't beat Pirate Booty. Not only is it a classic snack that has stood the test of time, it's also the only thing I can keep down when I'm hungover. Because it's delicate, yet flavorful, and 80% of it is air.

6. Chiz Curls

This is a weird one. This is a filipino-brand cheese snack that I used to get when I was a kid. It's SUPER oily and not nearly as crunchy as some of this other stuff, but it will always hold a special place in my heart because it's something my parents gave me to make me shut up. It's like an oily reminder that I can get anything I want if I just keep talking.

5. Cheetos Bag of Bones

Okay, this just came out and I'm pretty excited about it. If there's 2 things that get me, it's cheese flavored corn products and seasonal snacks. This is both! It's basically white cheddar Cheetos shaped like skeleton parts. It is gooood. I highly recommend getting it and trying to assemble a skeleton by pulling out random handfuls so you can be like "Oh noooo, now I gotta eat the parts I don't need."

4. Trader Joe's Baconesque Popcorn

Trader Joe's continues to be innovative yet pandering to hipsters with this vegetarian-friendly bacon white cheddar popcorn. It really does taste like bacon, in a bac'n bits kind of way. And on the front of the bag, there's a picture of a proper lady assaulting a gentleman with her opinion! So scandalous!

3. Fresh and Easy Pirate Treasure

You're probably thinking "that doesn't count - that's the same as Pirate Booty!" But you'd be wrong and I'd slap you for such an outburst! The consistency of this knockoff Pirate Booty is way different - not as crunchy but it has more flavor. It's like every fifth piece of Pirate Booty. PB purists know what I'm talking about.

2. Popcorner's White Cheddar

If you're a fan of rice cakes but more flavorful and in the shape of a triangle, then you'll love these things. They come in other flavors, like cheesy jalapeƱo and kettle corn, but white cheddar is the best. I guess you can call me a white cheddar supremacist. And you'd be right but you'd also be a jerk for making a joke about race via cheese analogies.

1. Pirate Booty Crunchy Treasures

If Pirate Booty is the mother of all CFCP's, then this is like the grandmother on steroids. Unlike regular Pirate Booty, Crunchy Treasures comes in all kinds of pirate-themed shapes like an anchor, a wheel, and a squiggle. And even though it's God's gift to mouths, it's super hard to find. I think it had an experimental release about a year ago, wherein I stocked up on bags of it because the things I love always get taken away from me (RIP, mint Kit Kats). I literally wrote letters to Pirate Booty demanding they bring it back, but to no avail. Recently I resorted to ordering a case from Amazon and now I have a treasure box of PBCT in my garage that I can tap into when I need my fix. I highly recommend you do the same. Because as you can see from the sad, sad list I've compiled, I'm an expert on this stuff. And if you can't be an expert on things that don't matter on the internet, then what is the point of being a millennial?!

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