Thursday, June 27, 2013

Money Saving Tips

With unemployment looming around the corner like a weird uncle trying to scare you when you leave the room, we’ve been thinking about ways to save our money. Then we thought to ourselves, “Hey, we’re not the only penny pinchers out there. Unemployment is at like 7%, which I’m assuming is out of 10. Perhaps we should be less selfish and share these money saving tips with the rest of the world. Surely that will get us into heaven.”


Cancel your gym membership. 

Instead, pretend the world is your gym. Who needs treadmills when there are parks you can run through for free? Who needs weights when you can find a twenty pound child to lift? Who needs a personal trainer when you can run into oncoming traffic and let the need to stay alive motivate you to push yourself?

Stop buying experimental chips. 

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been like: “Ooh! Dill pickle Pringles? Who ever heard of such a thing! I shall purchase them for the experience. If they’re terrible, at least I’ll have a delightful story to tell about that one time I bought gross chips.” Even if the chips are decent, I never finish them because I KEEP BUYING MORE INTERESTINGLY FLAVORED CHIPS. It’s a problem - one that I think the chip companies have caught onto. I think at one point chicken and waffle Lays were a thing and I kicked myself for missing out on them. Who kicks themselves over chips? This guy. I’m pretty sure if I kick this habit, I’ll save at least $40 a month. No joke.

Sign up for paperless bill pay. 

I know most people do this, but I don’t. I like the feeling of writing a check. It makes me feel important. When you’re not famous, signing checks, contracts, and restraining orders are the only time your signature holds power. So I’ve refrained from converting to online bill pay thus far, but if I switch over I’ll probably save $1.38 a month in stamps.


This is probably a good thing to do in general because everyone judges you if you don’t do it. Also, the environment is dying, apparently. But in all seriousness, a wise old Asian man who was rooting through my trash bins taught me that actually taking your recyclables to the recycling center will get you some money. And if you don’t have anything to recycle, just throw an expensive party wherein you supply all the alcohol and pay off a friend to stay sober and save the empty bottles.

Instead of eating, suck on a lemon and sniff rancid milk. 

That’ll kill your appetite real fast. Then you won’t have to spend money on food! AND you won’t have enough calories in your diet to be able to go to the gym you can’t afford. Two birds, right there.


Don’t be a leftover snob.  

If I see leftovers I’m like no, I already know what you taste like. And you’re probably  not as good as when you were fresh so I’m gonna open this other more fresher thing. And then only eat half of it, so that there is even more perfectly edible food that I won’t eat in my refrigerator.

Don’t like new clothes so much.  

Maybe try different combos of the clothes I have. Experiment with laundry - like if I wash my old white shirts with a red pair of pants - BAM - new pink shirt that I didn’t have to pay for.

Don’t throw out soaps just because you have to really shake the bottle to get it out.  

Combine it with your husband’s old soaps and form your own new scent concoctions!  Who doesn’t want to smell like Glacier Orchids or Denali Coconuts?

Look into siphoning your neighbor’s gas. 

Because I don’t want to siphon my neighbor’s gas.  I live next to these people and in the event of a zombie apocalypse I need to know I can count on my neighbors for shelter should my house get overrun with the undead.   

That’s it for me. I think I just laid out the foundation to be the richest poor person I know.

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