The Seven Stages of Unemployment

Last Friday was our last day at Nickelodeon :( We’re bummed to have to leave so many wonderful and talented people behind, yet optimistic because the future is just a huge question mark right now and that can mean anything from crappy to great! At least that’s what I tell myself and others when they ask “Now what?”

Leading up to our joblessness I found myself going through a myriad of emotions ranging from “eh” to “UGH.” And in an emo turn of events, I felt the need to draw parallels between my inconsequential feelings and death. Which brings me to the point of this entry: the Seven Stages of Unemployment.

Stage 1: Indifference

We had the advantage of knowing when our time was coming to an end two months ahead of time. So when we first found out about our end date, we were like “Shrug. We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.” We then proceeded to think little of our future and instead spent money on stupid things, like expensive juices, super specialized kitchen utensils, and patterned cupcake liners.

Because who knows when you'll need a stainless steel fork designed especially for olives?

Stage 2: Resentment

Before long it sinks in that you’re not going to have a job. And like most people (well, Americans at least) your first instinct is to blame everyone but yourself. You become bitter as you start to think about all the idiots/jerks/former pedophiles who are out there making money instead of you, a perfectly normal person of average intelligence who recycles. Everything’s wrong - the company’s wrong, the government is wrong, Alex Trebek is wrong (that’s how far you’re willing to go into self-righteous delusion).

Step 3: Irrational Optimism

Once the bitterness wears off, you think of all the things you can now do with your free time. These things aren’t necessarily work-related - some of them are goals that will just make you a better person. Some of these things will be perfectly achievable goals: doing some freelance, eating more fruit, finding out what a Roth IRA is. Other things will be downright impossible: painting the house, becoming a landscape designer, reaching enlightenment. Actual things that have crossed my mind: learning krav maga, learning Tagalog, doing the Special K challenge, developing triceps of steel, design and manufacture a line of makeup bags which I will give away to needy high schoolers in exchange for market research, and getting over my hangup of opening my eyes underwater.

I'll never be her if I can't open my eyes underwater.

Step 4: Passive-Aggressive Panic

You start to panic but you don’t show it, because who does that? Instead you do things like get on your significant other’s case for buying name brand products instead of Target brand products and making jokes about being poor. (Not a good idea - it makes you feel better but it makes everyone else feel like they have to buy you something. Scratch that. Great idea!)

"Don't buy Tupperware, buy containers with lids. We're people, not kings."

Step 5: Restlessness

You’ve been thinking about unemployment so much that you just want it to happen already. You’ve been talking about it so much that you don’t sound fake-excited anymore and you just want the headspace to think about something else. Also you just had an awesome weekend where you sat around in sweats all day and you’re looking forward to doing that 24/7.

This guy knows how to rock sweats and watch you while you sleep.

Step 6: Ineffective Preparedness

You feel like you should be doing something to help out the bleak state of your future, but you can’t so you do little things that make you feel like you’re doing something. These actions can range from starting a blog to buying your unemployment wardrobe. What constitutes an unemployment wardrobe, you ask? Stylish basics. When you’re unemployed it’s important to be comfortable but not look like you’ve completely given up on life. These things won’t get you a job, but they’ll make you feel like you’re taking steps towards getting a job. And if the US government has taught us anything, it’s that what it feels like you’re doing is way more important than what you’re actually doing.

These guys are all rocking stylish basics. Normal people results may vary.

Step 7: Forced Acceptance

It’s happened. You’re unemployed. And like morning breath, the inevitability of the sun exploding, and the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles, you have no choice but to accept it. But hey, you could have worse things forced upon you. Skunks, for example. A labyrinth riddled with spiderwebs. There’s another one. You could go on. Really. You have all the time in the world.

Money Saving Tips

With unemployment looming around the corner like a weird uncle trying to scare you when you leave the room, we’ve been thinking about ways to save our money. Then we thought to ourselves, “Hey, we’re not the only penny pinchers out there. Unemployment is at like 7%, which I’m assuming is out of 10. Perhaps we should be less selfish and share these money saving tips with the rest of the world. Surely that will get us into heaven.”

Kristine:

Cancel your gym membership. 

Instead, pretend the world is your gym. Who needs treadmills when there are parks you can run through for free? Who needs weights when you can find a twenty pound child to lift? Who needs a personal trainer when you can run into oncoming traffic and let the need to stay alive motivate you to push yourself?

Stop buying experimental chips. 

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been like: “Ooh! Dill pickle Pringles? Who ever heard of such a thing! I shall purchase them for the experience. If they’re terrible, at least I’ll have a delightful story to tell about that one time I bought gross chips.” Even if the chips are decent, I never finish them because I KEEP BUYING MORE INTERESTINGLY FLAVORED CHIPS. It’s a problem - one that I think the chip companies have caught onto. I think at one point chicken and waffle Lays were a thing and I kicked myself for missing out on them. Who kicks themselves over chips? This guy. I’m pretty sure if I kick this habit, I’ll save at least $40 a month. No joke.

Sign up for paperless bill pay. 

I know most people do this, but I don’t. I like the feeling of writing a check. It makes me feel important. When you’re not famous, signing checks, contracts, and restraining orders are the only time your signature holds power. So I’ve refrained from converting to online bill pay thus far, but if I switch over I’ll probably save $1.38 a month in stamps.

Recycle. 

This is probably a good thing to do in general because everyone judges you if you don’t do it. Also, the environment is dying, apparently. But in all seriousness, a wise old Asian man who was rooting through my trash bins taught me that actually taking your recyclables to the recycling center will get you some money. And if you don’t have anything to recycle, just throw an expensive party wherein you supply all the alcohol and pay off a friend to stay sober and save the empty bottles.

Instead of eating, suck on a lemon and sniff rancid milk. 

That’ll kill your appetite real fast. Then you won’t have to spend money on food! AND you won’t have enough calories in your diet to be able to go to the gym you can’t afford. Two birds, right there.

Joanna:

Don’t be a leftover snob.  

If I see leftovers I’m like no, I already know what you taste like. And you’re probably  not as good as when you were fresh so I’m gonna open this other more fresher thing. And then only eat half of it, so that there is even more perfectly edible food that I won’t eat in my refrigerator.

Don’t like new clothes so much.  

Maybe try different combos of the clothes I have. Experiment with laundry - like if I wash my old white shirts with a red pair of pants - BAM - new pink shirt that I didn’t have to pay for.

Don’t throw out soaps just because you have to really shake the bottle to get it out.  

Combine it with your husband’s old soaps and form your own new scent concoctions!  Who doesn’t want to smell like Glacier Orchids or Denali Coconuts?

Look into siphoning your neighbor’s gas. 

Because I don’t want to siphon my neighbor’s gas.  I live next to these people and in the event of a zombie apocalypse I need to know I can count on my neighbors for shelter should my house get overrun with the undead.   

That’s it for me. I think I just laid out the foundation to be the richest poor person I know.